What the Hell is Going On Here?

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The prize: A weekend in Colombia with Bart Simpson. The ad: The ad is plain vanilla, but the product, a Butterfinger-flavored Nescafe coffee, is a hybrid nightmare. The verdict: A lot of predictably eye-popping Bart and Homer jokes and plenty of toothless grins, but there were some entries in which you took the trouble to concoct your own food/drink monstrosity. We salute you for this, people.

We're seeing the evolution of that misleading "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand" campaign. (I always ended up with multicolored palms.) They have now smartly added a handle so you only have to touch it with your tongue.

Craig Morgan, [email protected]

Nothing but your tongue touches what you drink, Craig? Woof, dude! You should ask out that hot green M&M chick.

Nescafe Butterfinger Coffee Drink. Why did we make it? Because absolutely every other flavor was taken!

Scott Dixon, [email protected]

You've got a point, Scott. We asked for a black coffee yesterday in Starbucks and the kid said it would take 10 minutes, it had to be special-ordered.

Jell-O-Weiser: "Pudding the world in a much better mood."

Bethany Legan, [email protected]

Yes, there's always room for the king of desserts. This crud's for you! Whass-

throwin'up? This is all your fault, Beth!

This isn't about a new coffee drink - it's about no teeth. Nescafe has found a way for the incisorless masses to enjoy the taste of a classic candy without shredding their gums. Guaranteed to be a hit in the rural backwaters of "My sheep or yours?" Next product? Snickers Slurpee.

Nancy Anisfield, [email protected]

This is our one representative toothless entry, but Nancy, like what's with the lamb slam? You in PETA or something?

I've already created a nutritious food/drink combination product, and have been using it successfully for years: 1 part Hong Su's day-old Kung Pao Chicken; 2 parts Scotch. I call it Breakfast.

Thor Rosenquist, [email protected]

Thor, we don't know whether to tell you to join AA or to stop putting those damn menus in our lobby.

I want to know when I'll be able to slurp down a Brisket Blizzard from Dairy Queen or chomp on a Pulled Pork Starburst (made with 10% real gristle). Now that's added value.

Jason Fox, [email protected]

Look, we're in a recession, new products will have to wait. In the meantime, feel free to stir your coffee with a Slim Jim.

My fine Mexican drink: A Taco Bell Chalupa-flavored tequila. The Chalupacabra.

Ron Logan, [email protected]

Not only is this drink not funny, it's not new - it's Thor's lunch. By the way, Ron, we went to your website and we'll take every T-shirt you've got in XL. Consider it payment for a classified ad.

My concoction: Mocha Meshungina. Demo: Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Kirshenbaum. Ingredients: Mocha Macciato with semi-sweet chocolate matzo balls. Kickass tag: "Oy."

Greg Alan Morelli, [email protected]

We don't know, Greg. Is it a play on Orangina, or are you just a goy trying to say meshuggener? Whatever, you know we're running your entry just 'cause of that cute e-mail handle. Can you drink with just your tongue, like Craig does?

Any hormone-enraged college student will tell you Butterfingers are an aphrodisiac. So if you can't get her to eat one when she's drunk, offer her a nice hot cup of sobering coffee and you're a real caring guy!

Martin Keeler, [email protected]

Marty, we think you're the reason saying so much as "Hello" to a coed is now grounds for expulsion on any Ivy League campus. If you get her pregnant do you give her a Baby Ruth?

Fizzoli: Delicious martini olives and soda water. Killer tag: "Drunk yet?!?" Detail copy: "High-energy olive/pimento drink to top off your evening of martinis."

Stuart Sandler, [email protected]

Thor, you writing this down? And do not leave any Font Diner menus in our lobby!

How about milk flavored with exotic citrus fruits? Nipple Twisters: "Taste the nectar of the gods, from a divine bovine."

Mike Giunta, [email protected]

There's something very suspicious about your milk mustache, dude . . .

Why chew? It's too much like work. The ultimate slacker food turns all your favorite foods into easy-to-swallow hot beverages without the hassle and fatigue of mastication. Save your energy for clicking the remote. Nobody better lay a finger on my couch potato!

Jeffrey Antman, [email protected]

We're not touching that mastication line, Jeff, this is a family publication. But the couch potato idea is brilliant. Placing a spud under your sofa cushions and baking it with your own body heat while you veg in front of the tube: this is the kind of "green" thinking that wins prizes around here. So go to Colombia - it's probably safer there anyway.

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