Dissidents: What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: A recently expired container of Half & Half. The ad: This bifurcated boo-boo for Uglies underwear. The verdict: A disgusting avalanche of "bumpin' Uglies" jokes, tasteless "skidmarks" remarks, bags over the head and the occasional pee stain. We blame this on temporary brain damage caused by standing too close to July 4 fireworks, along with the kind of binge drinking normally seen only in rural state colleges. A bottle rocket does not describe how fast you put the beer in your mouth, people.

The original concept was much worse: "Get naked so fast, you'll leave skidmarks."

Vincent Zito

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This is the one "skidmarks" entry we'll run, since it at least proposes a slogan. Nevertheless: Vincent, get in a van and go.

They're called Uglies because they're great for throwing over your date's head if you don't have a bag handy.

Carrie Morris

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This is the only "bag" entry we'll run, since it was submitted by a babe who calls herself "senior copy goddess." But Carrie, this'll only work once. Next time you'll have to attach a nude .jpg.

Allison proudly displays her latest pelt. When Chad saw that telltale two-tartan waistband peeking out above her sorority sweats, he invited her to "bump Uglies," whereupon Allison showed him that there's more than one way to skin a frat.

Troy Smith

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This is the only "bump Uglies" entry we'll run, since Troy was kind enough to give names to the characters, no doubt borrowed from two of his adulterous co-workers. Don't worry, Troy, they'll never suspect a thing, there are millions of guys named Smith.

"Mom?!? That's not Dad!"

Jeremy Harper

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Jeremy, this is hardly the place to relive childhood traumas. On second thought, go ahead, but we're charging you $150 an hour. Ooops, hour's up! Don't worry, we accept e-cash.

Tacky? Yes, but it sure beats the hell out of an old pair of tighty-whiteys.

Sharon Klahr

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Sha, would you mind beating the hell out of an old pair of tighty-whiteys with Jeremy in them, until they're more like loosey-puceys? He needs some shock therapy.

This ad is giving me a creative wedgie.

Michael Novitski

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So that's why you're wearing your undies up around your neck, Mike. We thought it was a stylin' thing.

Yeah, right, like there's ever been a situation where a woman had to beg a man to take his shorts off.

Jane Roper

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Jane, we'll have you know this happens to us at least once a week. OK, it's Mom when she's doing the laundry. Yeah, we still live in the basement, but we have a door with a hook on it.

Flannel and animal prints are soooo passe. As an incentive, they should throw in a pair of those hideous round sunglasses that are usually tinted with gasoline and have a peace sign on each eye.

Julia Laricheva

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Oh, yeah? We're wearing those shades right now, Julia, and with the price of gas this summer, we've been offered 100 bucks for 'em. They're super unleaded.

Ever since Mentos abandoned that happy jingle for an edgier look, fresh-faced kids like these have been reduced to slumming in cheesy print ads and catalogs. Pretty soon, similar exhibitions of youthful, unironic exuberance will be found in the only place where they still count for anything - porn.

Steve Zaffuto

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After Victoria's Secret and Abercrombie & Fitch, we fail to see any difference between catalogs and porn, Steve. OK, porn doesn't come free in the mail. Assuming we get to the mailbox before Mom does.

This ad has reaffirmed my preference for quick, random sexual conquests rather than teasing, prudish titillation, as displayed here. Strangely enough, it also reaffirmed my preference for tartans over tie-dyes. What a Catch 22.

Brian Murphy

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Bri, all you need is a Scottish hippie chick, but bring a bag, she's sure to have terrible teeth. OK, we've just finished our 44th Meister Brau and our butt is still burning from sitting on one of the mortars at the Macy's display. Sorry.

Just imagine if those shorts fell from her finger. Then the real "uglies" come out.

Ritu Sharma

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Ritu, we're sure this woman has 10 perfectly decent fingers, so stop being silly. However, we notice your name is an anagram for "Harm us, Rita," which is just what we said to our dominatrix the other day, then we got one hell of a whipping for not saying Mistress Rita. So in the event you're actually Mistress Rita messing with our mind, you win. But please, let us drink the rancid Half & Half, Mistress, we beg you!

This Month's Contest

Win a genuine Civil War cannonball! Makes a great paperweight!

So there's this really weird chick with her hand down another chick's dress. She seems to have already pulled out several personal care products, but we can't be sure. Headline: "There's a better place to find Canon cameras." Get outta here, _really? This is apparently a joint venture between Canon and Uniquephoto.com, though it's entirely likely several harder drugs were also involved. Expose yourself at [email protected] Contest not open to subscribers to Shutterbug News and Dot-com Digest!

The Kafka Questionnaire

Alex Melvin


180, Amsterdam

What's the best thing about Cannes?

I think the best thing about them is that they're easy to store in the fridge. In fact, I can almost get a full case of them into the crisper section alone.

What's the worst?

They have a tendency to give beer a sort of tin-like taste, which is a drag.

How do you plan to celebrate the 23rd anniversary of Elvis' death on August 16?

Elvis is dead?

If Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Mandy Moore opened an ad agency, what would it be called?

They'd probably call it something like Spears, Aguilera & Moore.

What is your all-time favorite TV campaign, and why?

I love most of Ronco's early work. Mr. Microphone and the Pocket Fisherman had a charming edge that the Food DeHydrator ads of today really lack.

What account would you most like to work on, and why?

Toilet paper. If they'd actually let us do what I wanted to do, I think it would be phenomenal. What a great product.

Cliff Freeman, Al Gore and Bill Clinton are marooned on a desert island together. Who's the last one alive?

Well, I don't know who would be the sole survivor, but I guarantee Cliff would be the first to go. I mean, he's the guy responsible for, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." Isn't that reason enough to kill him?

Spuds MacKenzie vs. the Taco Bell Chihuahua in a Celebrity Canine Death Match. Who wins?

I don't think they'd actually fight. In fact, I bet they'd just sniff each other's asses and hump or something, which would be somewhat of a disaster for both brands.

When Charlie the Tuna dies, will he be packed in oil or water?


The Maytag Repairman can't take it anymore and decides to end it all. How does he commit_suicide?

He, Mr. Whipple and Marge from the Palmolive ads would make a suicide pact. They'd make a spectacle of it by dousing themselves with gasoline just outside the picket lines of the Hollywood Actors Guild.

What will be the Commercial of the Year in 2010?

It will probably be some ad with a stupid, upbeat jingle like, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."

How come you don't have a hi-def TV yet?

My black-and-white works just fine.

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