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The prize: A lifetime reserved VIP stall at the Port Authority restroom of your choice!

The ad: This pachyderm, plume and poop production for Charmin.

The verdict: The quality of this month's entries can best be described by the following joke. Man A: "When you go to the bathroom, do you wipe with your right hand or your left?" Man B: "My right. How about you?" Man A: "I use toilet paper."

Ever feel like you just dropped 10 lbs.? Charmin's been keeping you clean after you lightened your load for 70 years. Have one on us.

Erich Kaiser

[email protected]

The thinker.com? Your ISP is The Thinker and this is what you send in, Erich?

Maybe Mr. Whipple lost his life when he plucked that feather from a great bird, triggering an attack of monstrous proportions. Sort of like Mikey eating those Pop Rocks with his soda pop.

Erik Dering

[email protected]

Erik, Mikey ate Life, not Pop Rocks. And Mr. Whipple is alive. Otherwise, you're damn right, so we enrolled you in the Audubon Society.

Now really, have you ever seen a better representation of the dynamics of constipation? This ad could well have been for an industrial-strength stool softener! Obviously the work of one of those "over 40" creatives.

Tom Underwood

[email protected]

Tom, you freakin' whippersnapper, this is the kind of age discrimination that's killing the business! All the old guys over here spent the afternoon yesterday camped out in the men's room toilet stalls griping about you and your wiseass ways when they weren't yelling for the interns to bring them more Milk of Magnesia.

If you close your eyes while using Charmin in the appropriate manner, you can imagine the warm fuzzy feeling of a two-ton pachyderm tickling your ass with a feather. At least that's what my CD told me.

Jeff Neely

[email protected]

In the appropriate manner? We know your CD, Jeff, and that is NOT the appropriate manner!

Ever since old Whipple discovered the benefits of Viagra, he's not exactly been an icon for "softness." The folks at Charmin realized it was going to be easier to control a two-ton elephant on the photo set than a nearsighted octogenarian hopped up on horny pills.

Krista Kuehn

[email protected]

Same reason KFC brought Col. Sanders back as a cel animation. The real geezer is out plowing cheerleaders.

The relevance is revealed in two words on the package: "Big Squeeze." That's exactly what happens, I bet, right before the elephant needs the product.

Lynnie Henderson

[email protected]

Lynnie, we'd like to let you in on a little secret about the animal kingdom. They don't wipe. Not a one of 'em. They just crap and go on their merry way. Go figure!

If you read the headline backwards through a Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring, it says, "Whipple is dead."

Roman Tsukerman

[email protected]

We insist Whipple is alive, and he's not bagging groceries like Elvis, nor is he bagging elephants like Hemingway. He's a men's room attendant at the Waldorf-Astoria. If you find yourself in his domain, please give him a buck, even if you just comb your hair -- the poor sod doesn't have a pension. But watch your back, he's on Viagra.

Ever hear the term "tickle my fancy"? This ad doesn't.

Becky Frusher

[email protected]

Becky, we've heard the term, we want to know what (or where) your fancy is, and we want to tickle it. Paula Jones' new nose has us all hot and bothered and no one here will go out with us.

Losing faith in his flight feather, Dumbo plummeted tragically to his death.

Steve Gibson

[email protected]

Wrong. That's Babar and the quill pen he uses to write in script. Now send an apology to [email protected], and maybe he'll forgive you for making a Dumbo joke without getting written permission.

Have you ever seen an elephant poop? Lemme tell ya from personal experience, you need all six rolls of Charmin, and the problems only get deeper from there.

Malachy Walsh

[email protected]

Have we ever seen an elephant poop!? Operation Dumbo Drop is what we call our weekly trip to the zoo (we checked with Eisner, don't worry). And what's that bit about personal experience, Malachy? Is it really that bad at McCann?

What they're trying to say is, if you're a fat tub of lard, you're out of Charmin and you can manage to balance on a feather, gravity will keep you from crapping your pants.

Braden Bickle

[email protected]

Does that mean you can't control your bowels in space? No wonder they can't get a Mars program going.

Charmin is comprised of tiny fibers soaked in peanut resin, a natural elephant stimulant. For over 70 years, zookeepers have swaddled the males of the species in the fluffy t.p. to put some "funk in the trunk" and inspire mating.

Mike Lauterborn

[email protected]

Hear that trumpet? It means we've got a winner! Peanut resin works on boy elephants just like Fleetwood Mac's Tusk works on girls who wear white chiffon curtains and have 200 candles burning in their bedroom. We are not giving your prize to a homeless man, Mike. We are evicting a homeless man from the stall of your choice, which will henceforth be guarded by a homeless pit bull. So sally forth and claim your throne!

This Month's Contest

Get your entire body shaved by John McEnroe, absolutely free!

There's this guy putting his carry-on bag through the X-ray machine. In the tray for metal stuff is his gold watch and one Penn Ti1 tennis ball. The copy: "The Penn Championship Titanium. Yet another first from the makers of America's . . ." and so on. Yeah? So why is he taking one tennis ball on the plane? Where's he going? Who the hell is he? And how can a tennis ball be made of titanium? Ace us at [email protected] Contest not open to the cast of Suddenly,

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