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Contest #452: The T.N.T. Red Phone-our direct link to the movers and shakers in our nation's capital-rang last week in a way it hasn't rung since 1992: a shrill, alarming scream that forces the phone to lurch to the right. "I've seen some of the ad work your readers have done for that crooked hippie couple in the White House," barked new House Speaker Newt Gingrich. "But I need the next marketing effort to put prayer back where it belongs: the classroom." So we said OK. You don't argue with a grinch named Newt, even if he seems confused on that whole church-state division thing.

And now for the results of Contest #448: we asked for the next down-on-their-luck celeb to move into outcast haven Trump Tower:

First Prize: Ed Koch. Decor: 1960s bachelor pad, with dramatic, sweeping, but jaundiced view of New York. Mirror over waterbed inscribed with "How'm I doing?" Comes with cardiac resuscitation cart and nosh bar. Housewarming party: "Munsters" theme party with host as Grampa, Bess Meyerson as Lillian. Phil Frankenfeld, writer, Milwaukee.

Second Prize: Tonya Harding. Bodyguards and ex-husband help move her in by backing her 4X4 truck up to the front lobby doors. Decor: Imitation Louis Vuitton slipcovers and accessories by The Club. Housewarming party: Ice skating with neighbors Michael Jackson and Lady Di. Ron Zarantenello, account exec, GSP Marketing, Chicago.

Third Prize: Demonstrating his sense of the ironic, Donald Trump offers Michael Bolton a rent-free, high tech, state-of-the-art suite but actually just puts up new curtains in Lionel Ritchie's old place. Jack Huber, proofreader, Kingswood Advertising, Ardmore, Pa.

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