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The prize: A hankie used by the nerd who solved Fermat's Theorem. The ad: This blowest common denominator for Puffs tissues. The verdict: Math sucks.

Special Note: Thank you to the many sexually sophisticated women who wrote in to explain what THO means, re last month's Playtex bra ad. We had no idea! We can't actually define it here, this being a family publication, but Holly Schweitzer notes that "next time the air is cranked up, take a look around for the headlights turning on." Susan Schickedanz adds that men often refer to the THO phenomenon as "beaming." Awesome. We're definitely looking to hire an intern who wears a car bra. By the way, Sue, we couldn't help noticing that your last name is an anagram for EZ Sand Chick. Can we go to the beach with you sometime?

It's two . . . two . . . two snotrags in one!

Scott Vermillion -- [email protected]

Stop fantasizing about the Doublemint Twins, dude. They're so old, all they do is suck Tums all day for the calcium.

Look at that bunch of Puffs discussing procreation. It could end up like that "Trouble With Tribbles" episode on Star Trek!

Craig Morgan

[email protected]

Scotty . . . Scott tissue . . . we get it!

If toilet paper is referred to as "facial quality," why isn't facial tissue referred to as "rectal quality"?

Jason Fox -- [email protected]

Oh, man, what a great pickup line! We owe you, Jason.

Like paging through an Aber-crombie & Fitch catalog doesn't make me feel inadequate enough? Now I'm as strong as a tissue? Damn.

Chris Corley -- [email protected]

You think you got a problem, Chris? We were in a lumberjack bar the other night, and the Brawny paper towel man kicked our ass so bad we bad to take two personal days just so the swelling could go down.

Maybe Puff Daddy will change his name over this.

David Newton -- [email protected]

He did. He's Kleenex Daddy. And don't make any two-pack jokes, he's really sensitive about this, OK?

Somebody realizes I'm doing the work of two people -- and they seem to think it's a good idea?

Annette Ragan -- [email protected]

Annette, don't rock the boat. We're sure you're doing the work of two men, and you should be thankful. If you were doing the work of two women, you'd be paid two-thirds less. On the other hand, you'd have twice as much THO power.

If I wanted to do math, I wouldn't of [sic] dropped out of Junior High.

Brad Sarmiento -- [email protected]

Brad, we forwarded your entry to The Richards Group's Human Resources department. You know? Where they have your resume with the "Master's Degree in Semiotics from the Sorbonne" on it?

Forget the math. Let's look at the physics. One Puffs tissue equals two of "the other leading brand"? Look at the Puffs box. It's twice the size!

August Kovach -- [email protected]

This is your idea of physics, August? Do they call you that because you spent your whole life in summer school?

Perhaps Puffs is looking to expand into the vast untapped market of people with two noses -- the Three Mile Island and Chernobyl markets, for example.

John Gerboth -- [email protected]

Your hunch is correct, John, and the market is growing. In fact, our sources tell us that Mr. Whipple is on a secret mission in Russia right now.

There's got to be a better way to say "2-ply." Like, "Perfect for serious brownnosers." A little effort, here, folks.

Chuck Matzker -- [email protected]

Chuck, you inform us you've moved from Pierson Hawkins to Fallon McElligott. Congratulations. How many boxes of Puffs did this require?

Heads up, gentlemen. Now you can stuff your undies with unprecedented efficiency. No woman will be able to resist petting your perfectly Puffy package. Best of all, you'll have enough absorbent sheets left over for any embarrassing spillage.

Stephanie Lipsey -- [email protected]

Phhhhht! That's a winner! Last month we learned about THOs, this month we learn about PHOs. Thank you, Steph, for further expanding our sexual horizons. We're not giving you the hankie, however, and we're not wasting it on a homeless man. It's an HHO! Now we just need to find someone to . . . Hey, Sue: If toilet paper is referred to as . . .

Next Month's Contest

Win two tons of golden niblets corn!

You pay only for shipping!

"My mother's recipe. (Mother Nature, that is.)" Yow! Hold on a second here, we need to sit down and get our breathing under control. Our popcult universe has just undergone what marketing professors like to call a paradigm shift. It never would've occurred to us in a million years that the Jolly Green Giant was of woman born. If Mother Nature's his momma, the question is: who's his daddy? Do they all live together in the valley? Dare to play with your veggies at [email protected]

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