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Our December What the Hell? contest-which lured you with prizes of Hai Karate, English muffins and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to explicate a Lynx men's body spray ad (at right), from BBH/London-got such a massive response it's become a Department! Thank you to everyone who participated, and if your letter isn't here it's only because we ran out of space. Keep those brilliant e-mails comin'!

Well, it's obvious. before using Hai Karate the guy is totally alone, with nothing. After using Hai Karate he gets a date, sleeps at the girl's place, wakes up in the morning and has an English muffin that the woman made for breakfast. Simple.

[email protected]

Ingenious! Just a small problem: the product is Lynx, the prize is Hai Karate. Now take that stock photo out of the microwave and get your Lean Cuisine back from the mailroom, Amanda.

I am the Ad Age Creativity subscriber. The idea behind this ad is, after you use Lynx deodorant roll-on, you can lift up your arm to make a crumpet.

Suthisak Sucharittanonta

[email protected]

Results Advertising, Thailand

Our first Thai participant! Welcome! We appreciate the way you skipped the Bangkok jokes. We're not sure exactly why it's necessary to lift your arm overhead to make a crumpet, but then again we've never made a crumpet. For all we know it requires a stepladder.

The idea presented is quite universal. A woman is regarded as a "muffin." Concurrently, her special place is also known as a "muffin." For example, "Check out that muffin," or "I want to butter her muffin." The latter refers to the actual sexual act and the results. Hence, before Lynx: No babes. After Lynx: A babe and sex. So wear the bloody stuff.

George Heath Jr.

[email protected]

Thermovation, Cleveland

"I want to butter her muffin," huh? They really talk like that over there? Disgusting. What's next, "I want to bone her scone"? What-ever happened to nice language like "special place"?

The company doesn't want you to know that the crater face of the pastry (or whatever that waffle-like thing is) is what happens to the target male adolescent skin if you use this body spray. The spray has a high concentration of acetic acid in it, and at first the target may smell as appetizing as the waffle-like thing, but his skin soon corrodes and eventually melts into the yellow buttery goo that crowns the pastry. As his skin melts, however, the adolescent who uses Lynx can feel assured that no one will notice his acne. The melting skin will resemble craters on the moon. The moon, realizing the adolescent with the melting skin is a better moon than it could ever be, gets jealous, breaks out of orbit and spirals toward the sun, but first collides with the Earth as an act of revenge. Life as we know it ceases to exist, all thanks to some preteen kid thinking he'll really attract the girls in his algebra class by using Lynx instead of Speed Stick or a decomposing fish fillet.

Is that outlandish enough? I should really do better things on my lunch hour.

Todd J. Miller

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Graphic Artist

Demco Inc.

Your lunch hour has been well spent, Todd, but we're afraid it's not outlandish enough. You didn't mention the recent discovery of ice on the moon, which changes the entire scenario. Sorry.

To figure out this wacky bit of British humour, we start with the fact that we know it's a body spray. Thus, the red Before side of the page symbolizes the embarrassment the English have with not bathing enough and being, well, smelly. After using the spray, they become Blue because, though they smell good, their daily crumpet reminds them of their atrocious teeth.

Jonathan Wiese

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Wiese Creative, Minneapolis

Smells like a winner. We figured it had to be a dental thing. We gave your prizes to a toothless homeless man on the corner of Madison and 39th, and he promptly drank the Hai Karate.

Before lynx, you're a skinny British schoolboy who doesn't get enough sun and has bad teeth. You are, in effect, a nothing. With an application of Lynx, though, you turn into a hot buttered stud-muffin who is ru-mored to be having an affair with Princess Di, is possibly the next James Bond and has bad teeth.

Jeff Caplin

[email protected]

Art Director, Gray/Kirk/VanSant, Baltimore

You got the bad teeth, but you failed to mention the body odor. If Wiese can't perform his duties, you take over.

Yahoo search. Keyword: crumpet. Found one match. Brit-ish Web site: Thinking Man's Crumpet. It's about X-Files actress Gillian Anderson. Aha! Crumpet= sex kitten. Using Lynx means you get chicks. Wait a minute. Look at all these pictures of Gillian Anderson. Oh, my. Oh, look at that one. Does she really wear that under her FBI trenchcoat? Wow. Hey! Shut the door! Shut the door!

Omar Curiel

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Hadeler Sullivan & Ewing, Dallas

Thanks, Onan, uh, Omar. It figures the British would think Scully is a sex kitten. They'll go for anyone who hasn't got bad teeth.

You put on the lynx body spray and you get pie (as in the female kind). At least that's what that crumpet thing looks like to me. Call it a longshot, call me a sick and demented person if you will, but hey, that's my thought and I'm sticking to it.

Craig Lederman

[email protected]

You sicko! Who've you been sleeping with, Mrs. Butterworth?

The red Before frame means you're alone and embarrassed from masturbating frequently. The blue After signifies that your Lynx scent has made you so cool and irresistible, some luscious babe has thrown you one of those newfangled Crumpet Frisbees, thoroughly covered in drool to the extent that it's a rather large wad of phlegm.

Sean Looney

[email protected]

Copywriter, Messner Vetere Berger McNamee Schmetterer, New York

Go look at nude pictures of Scully with Omar, you freak!

You are quite right in your assumption that this is an inside joke. Having been raised in Canada, I may have a slight edge in picking up on these little subtleties. Basically it comes down to cultural metaphors. In the U.S., we might say, "Golly, isn't he the cat's ass?" Where the British equivalent would be, "I say, isn't he the buttered crumpet?"

Craig Marrero

[email protected]

Art Director, JWT/Detroit.

Yes, Craig, we see you've been raised in Canada. By what, a pound of Nova Scotia lox? We've never heard anyone described as "the cat's ass," not even a cat, and no one but Gomer Pyle says "golly," and even he never described anyone as "the cat's ass." You're just adding to the confusion. Cut it out. And keep your hands off the cat.

Before the spray, the guy is so pent up he can hardly stand it, he is about to explode! After he uses the spray, not only is he relieved and cooled down, but he was so good she even made him breakfast.

Kurt Lokenvitz

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Art Director, AKA Advertising, Portland, Ore.

So the spray prevents premature ejaculation, is that it? Maybe they should have a Lynx banner on the X-Files Web site.

"Which came first, aroma or desire?"

Steven Akers

[email protected]

Thanks for the Zen koan, Steve, but you couldn't even win a nude picture of Scully with this philosophical crap.

Well it's obvious, isn't it. Spraying Lynx under your arm is as refreshing as sticking a hot buttered crumpet up yer crack. This time "crumpet" is British slang for a "shag," which in turn means getting your "end away," or as you say in America "taking the log to the beaver" or "sailing the fishboat to tuna town." So, before you use Lynx you get nothing, and afterward you get laid. Simple, if you're a limey Brit like me.

[email protected]

Last time we ran a contest some lunatic was raving about how caffeine prevents "the skin boat from floating into tuna town." What's with this disgusting tuna business? Sounds like you've been drinking too much Maxwell House, Velvet. We guess the kilt makes it real easy to stick the buttered crumpet up yer crack, eh?


WIN A CASE OF EXTRA-STRENGTH AFRIN! It's the latest brain-busting What the Hell? for this baffling beauty from Bozell. What the hell is on her nose? We scoured the ad and noted that the fine print credits something called a Breathe Right strip. Wha? Didn't we see Demi Moore do that in the movies? Is that Demi behind the wheel, shot by a paparazzo right after her nose job? Send your penetrating

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