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Judging these shows is a great honor, and I'm always flattered to be invited, But the process can be painfully tedious. Talking and wisecracking is usually discouraged. To make matters worse, at this year's One Show my ADD medication ran out. The notes that follow are stream of consciousness observations written down in an effort to stave off the urge to bite the other judges.

8:45 a.m. The print is judged in layers. Judges are assigned maybe five or six to a table. A table 30 feet long may have as many as 20 layers.

8:51 a.m. According to my rough estimation, there is just over two miles of linear advertising to be judged.

8:58 a.m. I wonder what would happen if I ran over and bit David Abbott?

9:10 a.m. Ad people lack the physical fitness to stand all day.

9:25 a.m. Layers with only a few pieces of work seem to improve the judges' moods dramatically.

9:26 a.m. If it were my work, I would hope to come up on a layer that was relatively sparse.

9:55 a.m. The dead zone is hard to avoid with so many judges at such small tables.

8:56 a.m. The dead zone is the junction where judge A and judge B cross as they scan the table for work they deem suitable to move forward. When two highly trained professional judges meet like this, there is, of course, only one goal: For judge A to prove his standard is higher than the standard of judge B. And vice versa.

10:00 a.m. The young volunteer assistants behind the tables disagree with every move we make.

10:11 a.m. I doubt anybody would care if I bit one of the assistants.

10: 20 a.m. Judges seem to hate bright colors.

10:50 a.m. I have the lowest standards of any of the judges.

10:51 a.m. Must create personal exit strategy.

11:05 a.m. Writing these notes is making the other judges visibly nervous. Gives me a feeling of power.

11: 09 a.m. I pee more than the other judges

11:30 a.m. We look down at the work on the tables. Would it change our attitudes if we were forced to look up?

11:35 a.m. Nobody is trying to make people feel good with their advertising.

11:47 a.m. I have a great idea for picking the best work: A focus group of creative directors.

12:04 p.m. Creative directors lack the ironic T-shirt and farm equipment caps that art directors and writers often sport. There appears to be no official creative director's uniform.

12:08 p.m. Somebody peed on the seat. Obviously, a big-time advertising person.

12:10 p.m. Now Eric Silver is writing notes. This sucks. His notes are going to be way funnier than mine.

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