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What could be more trivial and frivolous than painted toenails? How about an award for an ad about painted toenails? Yes, the big winner at the recent Good, Bad and Ugly Awards, from the Advertising Women of New York, was Avon-that's right, Avon, the hoary cosmetics peddler, winner of the Grand Good trophy for its "Just Another Avon Lady" campaign. One ad features Jackie Joyner-Kersee, who boasts, "I jump farther than all but 128 men in the world. I have red toenails." Jackie, you could be No. 127 if you'd lose the candy-apple tootsies, they're weighing you down, girl. But this is just the pinkie of the iceberg; toenail painting is making other dangerous inroads in ads from Jim Beam (Fig. 1) and Virginia Slims (Fig. 2). Flirting coyly with foot fetishism, they feature guys painting their girlfriends' feet. So Jackie, don't be so damn proud of your red toenails unless you made a guy paint them. Best Use of Solitary Confinement in an Overnight Package Delivery Commercial goes to FedEx for the catastrophically annoying "Doug." If you haven't seen this gem, some sadistic exec doing Lou Gossett shtick locks Doug in a closet and humiliates him in front of the whole staff, simply because Doug didn't use FedEx. Doug, when Mr. Drill Sergeant lets you out, kindly FedEx a small nuclear device to his house. A special Anthony Quinn Lust for Life Award to Toyota for the farting baby spot, the one with the old couple (Fig. 3) opening and closing the windows. We especially like the notion that people in their '70s aren't too old to have children. The things they can do in fertility clinics these days! In a related note, we must salute Union Bay's "Experience" print series (Fig. 4), in which they actually have the temerity to show older people wearing their clothes. But there's still plenty of retrograde geezer crap around; witness this Kenwood ad (Fig. 5), headlined, "Some people just want to save space without sacrificing that funky trip hop groove." Ha. That was so funny, Kenwood, we fell down and broke our hip. Roses are red/violets are blue/I drink overpriced water/and so should you: The Robert Frost Road Unfortunately Taken Award goes to Evian water's campaign of unbalanced poetry, with gems like: "In me lives a wildcat who chases the moon and races the wind and who has never measured his life in quarterly earnings." Well, you sure aren't measuring it in quatrains, buddy. And you thought NAFTA was good for nothing: There's a creative explosion on the Mexican fast-food front, and two special Tijuana Brass Plaques are in order. First, Best Use of Senor Wences Hand Jive goes to a new campaign for Taco Bueno, which introduces a one-fisted spokesappendage-everything's hand-made at Bueno, you see-who does cute things like drinking directly from the soda fountain (Fig. 6). Then he says, "Thees stuff, eet goes right through me." Best Use of Head-Butting Buttheads With Anabolic Appetites (Fig. 7) goes to Del Taco and its new 1-pound Macho Combo-a burrito so big you can batter your wife with it. It's sold with footage of hockey players pummeling each other, bikini babes bouncing on the beach and neck-popping bite-and-sneer shots. Thees stuff, eet goes right through us.

In honor of the recent Day of Atonement, we wondered what was up with Mad Ave's peren-nial higher authority, Ed McCabe, and his rather low- authority shop, McCabe & Co. Well, we have good news and bad news. First the good news: A cute ad for Reliance insurance (Fig. 8), headlined, "When your corporate logo is a fire hydrant, you can't sit still for a minute." Now the bad news: This grimy execution for English Leather (Fig. 9), headlined, "Rough days. Smooth nights." We can't put our finger on it, but there's something not quite kosher about these guys . . . Which brings us to the Three Musketeers, who are reaching new lows of depravity to shill 3Musketeers Miniatures, which illustrates our theory that when it comes to candy, women are from Mars. We caught the rapier wits in Us posing pusillanimously with Fran Drescher, who's dressed in red leather whipping togs, brandishing a sword, while the M Boys are notoriously unarmed. Headline: "No pain, no pain." The copy closes with: "Why torture yourself, when you can torture men?" Good thing it's not a radio or TV spot. That voice-talk about torture! Another femme fatale-aimed Mars ad in the same Us sells Snickers Miniatures with the headline, "Sometimes you like something little," over a picture of a large peasant woman brandishing a scythe, while her dwarf of a husband (Fig. 10), we presume, stands behind her simpering with such epic butt-wrenching humility, we had to grab the phone and call Robert "Ironman" Bly. But

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