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A tip of the bong to TraverRohrback for this way cool Partnership herb-curb effort. Headline: "A normal spider can spin a perfect web and catch a million flies." (Picture of"normal"web.) "A stoned spider can only hope the fly is stoned too." (Stoned web, Fig. 1.) Yeah, man, the fly will be ripped, and this ad is right on 'cause drug use among insects is, like, totally out of control. Why do you think caterpillars are so slow, dude? 'Ludes!

Joe Kincheloe, a Penn State "cultural studies expert," is dumping all over our beloved McDonald's in a press release that promotes a new book called Kinderculture: The Corporate Construction of Childhood. "In terms of everyday life, McDonald's does not encourage long, leisurely meals," Kincheloe declares. "The seats and tables are designed to be uncomfortable to the point that customers will eat quickly and leave." That's why it's called fast food, Dr. Joe! You're supposed to eat it just slow enough so you don't choke to death. You want a nine-course candlelight McDinner, you lousy egghead!?

More proof, as if you needed it, that you can sell a New York restaurant with an image of anything: It's an ad for Katch on E. 75th Street (Fig. 2). Headline: "Great food. Great service." Tag: "Progressive American food." Progressive, indeedy. No, we're not making any "milk on tap" or "reserved teating" jokes.

Start the carb, honey: It's the first annual Outside magazine energy bar ad survey! PowerBar (Fig. 3) goes for comedy: This guy's got a callout that reads, "Happy he remembered to eat PowerBar. Sad he forgot flag." OK, guy is energetic but dumb. VO2 Max takes a more radical tack (Fig. 4): "Before every race, mountain biker Marla Streb does a high impact workout." Seems she gets psyched by running into a tree. OK, she's energetic but insane. The Clif bar attacks PowerBar head-on with an historical announcement of stunning import akin to the Yalta Conference: "August 5, 1996. Ron Kauk gives up on PowerBar." Who the hell is Ron Kauk (Fig. 5)? He climbs rocks and he has a refined palate. "For me," Ron tells us, "a less-than-ultimate experience is the taste of a PowerBar. They leave weird, synthetic tastes in my mouth." Take the wrapper off, schmuck!

Prescription Drug Ad Image of the Month: Atrovent nasal spray urges us to, "Break free from your runny nose." (Fig. 6.) Someone get this guy a travel pack of Kleenex, for God's sake! By the way, the copy tells us one out of 10 Atrovent users will experience mild nose bleeds, but, hey, at least you'll be free of those damn tissues! And we'd also love to know what the deal is with the Cardura enlarged prostate-drug ad headlined, "Now men who suffer from frequent nighttime urination can . . . Sleep like this." (Fig. 7.) What, wrapped in a pee-soaked blanket with spit-up all over your pillow? So ask your physician if wearing size 48 Huggies is right for you . . .

"Who needs a moisturizer that makes you feel heavy when you're naked," asks a Lubriderm ad that pictures a woman who is not naked (Fig. 8). Has she been eating the product? The copy says, "Lubriderm's clean moisture formula is the biggest thing since diet soda." The pump applicator confused us, too.

Best Use of a Blowup Sex Doll in a Moist Towelette Ad goes to Shout Wipes for this wonderful shot of what is supposed to be a woman (Fig. 9) who is allegedly looking at a shrimp (clearly another rubber prop) that just fell off her fork.

Food stylists! You unsung heroes finally get the recognition you deserve in a new spot for Mrs. Winners fried chicken; a spot that stars ace stylist Phyllis (Fig. 10-this is not Cloris Leachman), who, when she gets a bucket of Mrs. Winners dumped in front of her, simply yells, "Ready!"

Yeah, and Little Caesars has changed its slogan to "Pinna, pinna": For 11 years, a fast-food chain called Checkers has had a big-ass burger called the Champ. And finally, when Tyson said to Holyfield, "Gimme two ears and hold the corn," they had a KO concept staring them in the face. Mendelsohn/Zien was right on the case with a new slogan, "Bite the Champ," and a spot that taunts, "It takes more than two bites to put away this Champ, Mike." Then they promptly lost the account to Crispin Porter & Bogusky, which really chewed.

Back in June, QC reported on that "fun-loving but filthy girl" (Fig. 11) VW was giving away with a Golf or Jetta. Well, she's been stolen by Panasonic for a Shockwave ad (Fig. 12)! Maybe they thought no one would recognize her without her goggles, but you've gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to fool QC, Panasonic. Your tag may be, "Take it to extremes," but come on! Give that girl back to VW immediately! There are really bored guys lined up to buy her! Da-da-

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