Cereal Killers

Published on .

Brown Sugar Bumpies? Must be British for tooth decay. Other pet names for this cereal might include Burlap Tooth-Busters and Betcha-Breaka-Bicuspid.

Bethany Lega

[email protected]

Brown Sugar Bumpies is really British for a nasty venereal disease spread throughout the U.K. by Mick Jagger. That's why he does that chicken walk all the time, it's the terrible chafing.

I personally like to call this cereal Uh-O's. Because just when I'm starting to enjoy the brown-sugary, wheaty goodness, all that yummy fiber kicks in and . . .

Mike Sanford

[email protected]_comm.resource.com

We personally don't wanna eat breakfast with you, Mike. May we suggest you take a cue from Willie Nelson and start every day with a big bowl of Weedies?

Post-Haste Nuts, for a breakfast on the run.

Craig Morgan

[email protected]

It's also a great energy snack when you're running away from Mike.

Grimy Grinds: Puffed coffee grinds that are guaranteed to get ya up and at `em early in the morning. As for these O's, do they come with a free roll of toilet paper?

Kourtney Johnson

[email protected]

Kourtney, what a great idea! Have your coffee and cereal all at the same time. And no, O's don't come with toilet paper, not necessary. You eat `em out of a bedpan!

Brown Sugar Bumpies sounds like some kind of shaving accident. My pet name would have to be Donut-Shaped Air-Filled Bran Pieces. Yum.

Amanda Burton

[email protected]

Actually, Amanda, that's what this popular cereal is called in Japan.

Brown Sugar Bumpies: Looks the same going in as they do on the way out. Airy O's: Enjoyed by blondes everywhere. Round `n Rounds: The sponsor cereal of the Presidential Debates. Whole Wheat Winners: Sarcasm sells. Oh Kay's: Because it has that so-so crunch, bland flavor and mediocre nutrition we all strive for..

Angela Straub

[email protected]

Angela, you actually took the trouble to explain all the O's nicknames! What the hell's the matter with you, nobody follows directions anymore. Are you an account exec or something?

Post is already in talks with CBS to create Grubbies: The Breakfast of Survivors.

Beverly Flichman

[email protected]

Coming soon to a supermarket near you: Frosted Hawkies, Wiggy Wigglesworths, Rudy Loops and Cap'n Hatch. They all look like sand, but something magic happens when you pour on the saltwater.

Firestone-O's. The cereal looks like little whitewall tires . When you pour on the milk, instead of snap, crackle and pop, you get your own blowout.

Charley Brough

[email protected]

We tried these, Charley, and our kitchen table actually did a rollover. Thank God we have an airbag installed in our pants.

Kids these days need a special kick in their cereal to catch the early school bus and keep wide awake during math with Mrs. Ratfinster. Brain Fizzlers turns the milk into a slimy green bubbling ooze, loaded with extra sugar, caffeine and psychedelic chemical stimulants!

Brandi Hosewitz

[email protected]

Brandi Hosewitz?! Not too erotic a name! Every syllable is a psalm of love, Brandi. Marry us and we'll have children named Whiski, Drambui and Martini. And if for some reason you're not available, please put us in touch with Mrs. Ratfinster. We need to be disciplined by the numbers!

Why Grape-Nuts O's? Because Air-Formed Gum-Lacerating Crystallized Rabbit Turds lacks that certain patina of wholesomeness.

Jason Fox

[email protected]

Not in Japan, it doesn't. They can't keep these babies on the shelves in Osaka.

New cereal: Oy Veys! "Funny, this tastes like sugar-coated processed cardboard . . . with raisins."

Julia Laricheva

[email protected]

Julia, as you probably know, all Jewish cuisine tastes like processed cardboard. We just throw raisins on everything so goys will know it's food.

Do you mean Ari-Os, the toasted nut clusters with the light, sweet taste of an aging Greek shipping magnate? I personally start each and every day with a heaping bowl of Jackie-Os: 100% pink marshmallow fluff, they contain no nutritional value at all, but even the most hardened food critics are charmed by them. (And I love the Oleg Cassini box top!)

Pamela Duell

[email protected]

Pam, take a victory ride around the camel lot. By the way, have you ever tried JF-Special-K? Great slogan: "Ask not what your cereal can do for you; ask what you can do for your cereal." It's one breakfast you really have to serve. Have a great time with Mr. Spock, but don't ask to listen to his two hearts, he hates that.

This Month's Contest

Win the world's luckiest keychain: Eddie Rabbit's foot!

We've never heard of it before, but there's a sneaker brand called Acupuncture. OK, like, whatever. But what's with this sweaty guy? Who the hell is he? Why's he licking that shoe so, like, recklessly? Is there a foot in it, and if so, whose? Trip over your laces at [email protected] Contest not open to anyone with hammer toes!

Most Popular
In this article: