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First, the really important stuff. The winner of the Southern Comfort Car/Engagement Ring Contest (Fig. 1), in which you were asked to explicate the headline, "A '67 Mustang also costs two months salary," is Kihm Winship for this Helpful Heloise of an entry: "A bride's nylons dipped in Southern Comfort will remove a diamond scratch from the finish of a '67 Mustang." This has that authentic Pappy's-out-tendin'-the-still ring of truth to it, Kihm. A bottle of this delicious Confederate treat is winging its way to you at this very moment. Sorry, no substitutes, so don't ask for a Hong Kong chicken sandwich instead.

In a slightly related note, Headline of the Month goes to Rhino Records for its 25th anniversary edition of Curtis Mayfield's Superfly (Fig. 2): "We just gave this man's favorite album an extra pint of whoop-ass." We're not quite sure what an extra pint of whoop-ass is, but when we find out we're gonna fill a Southern Comfort bottle with it.

Coprophilia: It's not just for adults anymore. A local parks department spot from Portland, Ore., takes an aggressively hands-on approach to the problem of unscooped poop (Fig. 3). Guy walks bulldog in the park. Dog craps, guy walks on and leaves it. Little kid stops by mess, then chases the culprit, corners him, holds up the turd in his little palms and says, "Mister, your dog dropped something." Kid, here's a quarter, go buy a cup of whoop-ass. Speaking of manual dexterity, Mean Gene's Burgers in Minnesota has a new campaign (Fig. 4) that includes the mouthwatering headline, "Served up faster than you can shake your nozzle." The same image also gets, "Can't drive with your knees? Better eat it here." Thank you, we'll drive with our nozzle. And here's an ad for Hymie's Vintage Records in Minneapolis (Fig. 5) that really shook our nozzle. Headline: "Original hits by the original putzes." Hymie, Steve & Eydie were on the historic Ed Sullivan show with the Beatles. What's your extra pint of whoop-ass, groove man? Now back to Portland, where we must note it's not "Just do it" anymore, it's "I can." Cute. This brilliant concept did not originate with W&K, though. It's what a typical 14-year-old girl in Indonesia writes on the questionnaire that asks, "Can you stitch 96 pairs of Nikes for 10 hours a day at 12 cents an hour?"

Most Erotic Depiction of a Socket Wrench goes to Blackhawk hand tools for this curvy babe (Fig. 6). Headline: "The best part is, when she's not working she just sits there and looks pretty." We're waiting to see what they do with a ball peen hammer. I got spruce, babe. The Most Regrettable Copy of the Month Award goes to Sierra Online's ad for a game called Ski Racing. "At ten miles per hour everything is quiet. At thirty miles per hour all you hear is wind. At fifty, it's your skis carving ice. At eighty, everything becomes strangely silent again. You've either won the race or encountered a Colorado blue spruce." Jan. 8, 1998 will henceforth be known as Black Thursday at Jockey International. That's the day it was revealed that Ted Kaczynski not only wears Jockey shorts but the famed undies are not strong enough to hang him. A move by the company's PR department to put a positive spin on this by hyping a new design feature called the Unabomb Pouch was quashed by squeamish Jockey execs. Shave your mustache, the milk advertising backlash is underway! In a holiday spot for Crate & Barrel, Santa (Fig. 7) not only does not drink the milk left for him, he pours it in a potted plant. Then he throws away the cookies and steals the plate. And in a :60 for Saturn, a guy drives across the country, bringing his car into every Saturn dealer along the way on the pretext he needs repairs -- just so he can eat the free donuts (Fig. 8). But he does not have a single glass of milk anywhere in America! Best Usenet Ad Horror Story of 1997 goes to Tim Lynch for this (edited) post, found on alt.tv.commercials: "It happened during Letterman; the Atlanta CBS affiliate has a much higher volume than any other network. I had just flipped over from ESPN at a moderate volume and ran to the bathroom at Letterman's first commercial break. Then it came on. Though I had the bathroom door closed, the incredibly loud new age wailing hammered right into my skull. I could swear the walls were shaking. I rushed out, and as I dove for the remote I was subjected to Donald Sutherland telling me that 'now there is a car that can save your soul' at triple-digit decibels. Now the left speaker fuzzes whenever the volume is above a whisper. Well, at least I know I'll never purchase a Volvo . . ." Tim, the spot just has an extra pint of whoop-ass, that's all.

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