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Finally, those of us with a fetish for watching women ravenously consume raw bacon have been satisfied -- by none other than kinky breakfast king Kellogg's! In a new commercial for something called the Mini Loaf, which is apparently a breakfast food, not the technique of leaving for the office at noon, a woman (Fig. 1 -- could it be Karen Finley?) gobbles the bacon, a raw egg, a grapefruit (rind and all) and then guzzles scalding coffee straight from the pot. She's in a hurry to leave for work, you see, as her husband stands idly by munching a Mini Loaf. He's not leaving till noon.

In another important sodium nitrite food note, the Ingmar Bergman Tragic Wiener Award goes to Gwaltney Big 8 hot dogs for an interminable and devastating :60 in which a guy playing Hot Dog Man (Fig. 2) at a birthday party goes over like Nushawn Williams at an STD convention. The cute little tykes instantly despise the poor bastard, and he's reduced to challenging them to fisticuffs: "You wanna piece of me, kid? Huh? You wanna piece of me?" It's more depressing than sucking raw eggs with the Maytag Repairman.

Guernica was really a painting about how difficult it is to install extra RAM: It's been 13 years since that cute sweaty chick threw the hammer, but Apple is still at the top of its game: Notice their brilliant use of Picasso as dead spokesartist (Fig. 3). Notice Picasso does not look happy. Notice the crabbed fingers of Picasso's right hand. The implication is clear: Picasso, who was a notorious Wintel guy, ended up with an arthritic claw from all the extra mousing he had to do.

Paint yourself up like a transvestite from the Nebulon Galaxy -- and just add Bacardi! Whoever thought that rum had a "look"? Well, it does, according to a special ad section in Vogue (Fig. 4), "The look of Limon." Check out this copy: "Lacquered lemon lips sink ships." Ooooh, nautical naughtiness! But the rum fun has just begun! Dig this brain teaser, which required a color newspaper spread, for the Rums of Puerto Rico: "Are Rums of Puerto Rico the finest because they've been around for over 400 years? Or they've [sic] been around for over 400 years because they are the finest?" Uh . . . we can't say, our lacquered lemon lips are stuck together!

Ads we don't understand but don't deem worthy of What the Hell is Going on Here: Southern Comfort's headline is, "A '67 Mustang also costs two months [sic] salary." Picture of engagement ring. Tag: "Take it easy." The 1967 reference we get, since Janis Joplin is the last person we know of who actually drank this stuff. Beyond that, we have no idea what this means. It's better to buy a vintage 'Stang than get married? You should give your betrothed a vintage 'Stang instead of a ring? You should not get married, buy a vintage 'Stang and drink and drive a lot? Please send your explanations to [email protected], and the winner gets a bottle of Southern Comfort, no kidding. Someone's gotta drink it.

Now here's an AT&T ad headlined, "Give me a ring," in which a guy is shown in the act of slipping a wedding band on his kvelling bride's finger (Fig. 5), but the look on this schlemiel's face clearly indicates he's thinking about a '67 Mustang. So this ad we understand.

Fragrance of the Month: Coty's Gossip by Cindy Adams. Psssst! Now you too can smell like a tacky 80-year-old syndicated rumormonger.

And thanks to Etro for showing us what the well-dressed mallard will be wearing this season (Fig. 6). Note to PETA: No ducks were made uncomfortably warm in the creation of this ad.

Cigarette Revelation of the Month: Medusa smokes Salem (Fig. 7)! We did not know this. We knew the Minotaur smoked Bull Durham and the Three Fates were two-pack-a-day Silk Cut girls, but this Medusa thing really flipped us. Great tag too, "It's no myth." Hey, Chevy already took, "Like a rock."

Booze Scandal of the Month: the November issue of Out has an ad for Glenfiddich headlined, "Friday straight." It shows a poker hand and it has some tiny copy about "just Glenfiddich in a glass," but we're still not amused, Glenfiddich. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

In a related note, this ad (Fig. 8) was deemed too racy for public view by the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority, though a shirtless version of the ad currently appears as a billboard in Los Angeles. Hey, MTA, what if it runs only Saturday to Thursday?

Phat lesson No. 1: Hey, Izod wussy with the bimbo at the pool table (Fig. 9)! Take a cue from First Down (Fig. 10) about how you handle a bimbo at a pool

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