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Casting Call of the Month: the irritating know-it-all in the new Discovery Channel-Kids TV campaign (Fig. 1). You see, he watches the Discovery Channel a lot. Considering the fact that he's starting to resemble a 9-year-old Mario Cuomo, we'd guess he's been watching it 60 hours a week since he was 6.

We love Spin, especially the June issue, which has an ad for Paco Rabanne headlined "Just share it," and two pages later there's an ad for Tic Tacs headlined "Don't hold your breath, share it." Anyone stinking of Paco Rabanne and sucking on a mouthful of Tic Tacs, feel free to exhale and sweat profusely all over everyone you meet.

They all laughed when I stood up on the piano: You think you know how to write copy, huh? Top this, from the Web Site of the Month, Kathy Castro's Crush Page (www.geocities.com.RodeoDrive/3318/index.html), where Kathy sells videos of her high-heeled self stepping on living things. Tiny men, only six inches tall, are the ideal (Figs. 2, 3), but since they're in short supply Kathy can't be too choosy: You can buy "one hour of me crushing many different live insects and worms under my cruel pumps," she writes. "I have no mercy at all. Many ultra closeups of blood squirting out of fat worms as I step down with my full weight. Beetles are ground into grease spots under my pumps. Insects crackle and guts squirt-I am very cruel." Or: ". . . me crushing live fish into mush under my high heels. A couple dozen live snails also are crushed into grease blobs, their shells crackling under the press of my weight. I also crush many worms to death. In this tape I talk often, asking my victims to beg for mercy, and talk about how much I love to feel live things crush under me. 'What do you think Mr. Snail,' I ask, as I slowly raise my spike heeled foot in a great closeup, 'can you take my weight?' "

Honey, I'll be home late, I'm picking up a little disease: Best Rendition of a Port Authority Pay Phone in a Print Ad to Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer (Fig. 4). "Clinically proven, Purell kills germs on hands without water or towels," we're informed. That's very nice, Purell, but what good is this without a companion ear sanitizer?

We Swear We Didn't Make This Up Dept.: The team captain of the Norelco Silhouettes in the Bud Light Women's Pro Beach Volleyball League, a new Norelco ad informs us without any fanfare, is named Samantha Shaver (Fig. 5). And it turns out there's a Dianne Shoemaker, who ended up on Team Paul Mitchell since Candie's is only fielding a nude bowling team this year, captained by Jenny McCarthy. The towering Gabrielle Reece leads the Nike team, by the way, and if Marv Albert does any play-by-play maybe her teammates will be called Reece's pieces.

QC is an equal opportunity annoyer, hence we present two ads from a recent issue of Essence. First, there's the Dream Kids No-Lye Relaxer, a hair straightener for children (Fig. 6). Tag: "Keep your head up." The company: African Pride. No lie. Then there's an ad in which a light-skinned black woman (Fig. 7), whose hair was formerly "shades of red," has made herself into what the copy calls a "light golden blonde." The hair color: Dark & Lovely. Tag: "Color that's true to you."

A special Op Artifice award to the Clearasil Vertigo Lounge (www.clearasil.com), where you're supposed to "Bring it all into focus." Well, we repeatedly brought it all to a complete standstill with a "Can't receive content" Server Alert that locked us fast to the dizzying Clearasil home page (Fig. 8); we couldn't do anything but disconnect, then our souped-up Power Mac would bomb out. We got very upset about this, and our faces broke out something awful. So we went to the store and got some Oxy-10.

Now here's a real Titanic idea: "Imagine you're on a cruise. Now imagine you're a paper doll on a cruise." So begins a new European-market campaign for Royal Caribbean International starring a couple of black cutouts (Fig. 9), created by Tampa's WestWayne Inc. Do the Norelco Silhouettes know about this?

Headline of the Month: "I drink some. I make some. I drink some. I make some. Refilling is good!" No, this is not a new, more sophisticated strategy from Miller Lite, it's an eco-happy baby-in-the-bath joke from The Body Shop about recycling your shampoo bottles.

Drivers wanted desperately: First VW just threw in a mountain bike with a Golf or Jetta; now they're offering a fun-loving but filthy girl (Fig. 10) with your stubby new car in an ad headlined "Comes with everything you see here." The copy explains it's all about "taking a big, fat juicy bite out of the world as often as possible." Well, like, OK! Too bad they weren't making this offer when those two boring dudes who drive around in the Golf with the smelly chair were car

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