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How sweet potato it is: QC passed on Jackie Gleason's recent Braun nosing, but we must award the Best Question Asked of a Dead Celebrity Reanimated Thanks to Digital Hoodoo to JWT/S.F., Complete Pandemonium, Western Images and the California Lottery for: "Hey, Fred, how about a yam?" This exquisitely pointless query is directed at Fred Mertz in a :30 (Fig. 1) for some gimmick called the I Love Lucy scratch card. His classically Mertzian reply: "What, at this hour?!" How come nobody asked Fred Astaire if he wanted a yam when he was dancing with the vacuum? A nice yam would have made all the difference.

Operation Jumbo flop: Congratulations to Land Rover for a breakthrough worthy of Nova or the Discovery Channel. For an ad headlined "Everybody loves a Land Rover," they've managed to find an elephant who took the expression fuel injection literally (Fig. 2).

Know when to spell when: Last month QC reported on the unfortunate detox-detention of Tanqueray's Mr. Jenkins, but while Mr. J is hanging out to dry, his illegitimate great-grandchildren, Clarisse and Nigel (Fig. 3), are filling in nicely in a new campaign from Martin/Williams designed to remind adults that it's not cool to buy alcohol for minors. But it sure is cool to watch them drink it! That better be a Tanq you're draining, kids!

A special Leonard Nimoy Unsolved Mysteries Cup to Neostyle eyewear for revealing the true appearance of the Loch Ness monster (hey, she's cute!) and channeling the first headline written in Hale-Bopp cuneiform by the Dogmen of Sirius 9 (Fig. 4). Shirley MacLaine is still working on the translation. The road more traveled: We love Sports Afield, especially the April issue, which has an ad for the Toyota Tacoma headlined "Why choose vanilla when you can have rocky road," followed two pages later by an ad for Kelly Safari radials, headlined "Why settle for a scoop of rocky road when you can have a couple hundred miles of it?" If you own a Tacoma with Safaris, please stop by the nearest Baskin-Robbins for a free traffic cone.

Sauza tequila had an ad with an old guy with one tooth; well, Myers's rum goes them one better with an ad (Fig. 5) featuring a guy whose entire face has collapsed! Headline: "Old and not improved." Ditto the ad.

As all you Web pervs know, Betty Page softcore B&D sites are more popular than pudding 'n' pills, and now the binding effect has spilled into the most unlikely of print places. Altoids continues a very peppy campaign with this whippersnapper (Fig. 6), headlined "Pleasure in pain."

A new Absolut ad (Fig. 7), No. 9,783 in a series that is apparently going to run until aliens land and put a stop to it, stars a shoelaced leather corset. And how about this gag-us-with-a-ball Minolta ad (Fig. 8) with copy that opens: "Forget stiletto heels and leather." Forget them? That's why we got the camera! A special Heartbeat of America award to Chevy for an ad for the Camaro Z28 (Fig. 9), headlined: "If everyone owned one, maybe we could have prevented disco." The copy opens: "Disco. It was a pimple on the ass of the music industry." Really, Chevy! Picked up the baton dropped by Lester Bangs, have we? How about this: The Camaro. A pimple on the ass of the Great American Male Shithead. If everyone owned one, there'd be 975,000 highway fatalities a year and we'd all have to take out home equity loans to get auto insurance. Speaking of aliens and the Web, a special Marshall Applewhite memorial plaque to Pioneer for this piece of Xtreem logic, which required a spread (Fig. 10): "Buy a Pioneer car stereo now. Because someday you'll be dead." Yeah, and buy a Z28 to put it in. Speaking of mortality and imbecilic youth, how about this Beefeater ad (Fig. 11), which typically features one of those ultrababes who'll never be eatin' your beef, headlined: "Imagine dying without ever having said, 'shaken, not stirred.' " Nigel, Clarisse, relax and get some fresh straws, it's happy hour, and great-

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