Tongue-In-Cheek Tips for the Tested Traveler

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1. Don't whine: Nobody cares
Crying will get you nowhere- except maybe kicked off the plane if you are a toddler.

2. Stow the Appliances
Any honeymoon-esque gear should just be checked below. You have a 6% chance of losing it, and really, do you want the whole of security asking you what the battery-operated contraption is?

3. Delayed? Make a few bucks
Buy a 100-pack of quart-size clear plastic bags. Stand outside of security and sell each bag for a quarter. You may make a few friends, and you should also make enough to pay for the bottle of water you'll need to stay hydrated on the plane-and maybe for a bag of premium peanuts, too.

4. Always read the not-so-fine print
If you are flying to China on a Chinese airline, but everything on the plane is written in Russian, get off. Trust us.

5. Know when it's time to bag it
In homage to Erma Bombeck: Seriously, when you look like your passport photo, it really is time to go home.
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