What the Hell is Going On Here?

By Published on .

On the day of the photo shoot, Robert Downey Jr.'s nose finally collapsed, causing much angst and a quick rethink of the layout. The headline would have read, "I like my liqueur like the way my acting career is. On the rocks."

Will Lovell, [email protected]

Please, man, we're trying to set an example for youth with our use of language, OK? "I like my liqueur as the way my acting career is."

I can appreciate tight print budgets that can sometimes preclude using talent, but giving alcohol to mannequins is just plain wrong.

Thor Rosenquist, [email protected]

The thing is, they can drink so much, they must have a hollow leg. Hello? Is this mic on?

This man is on his second bottle of B&B. He just threw the first one at a wooden Indian by the door who wouldn't stop staring. Having been fired from Macy's for wearing cheap polyester suits, our man hides his face in shame at having suggested that no trendy uptown bar would be complete without picnic tables.

Steve Tredennick, [email protected]

Very prescient, Steve, we were wondering about the picnic table too, but in an ad this bizarre, why not? In the future, though, that's a wooden Native American, all right?

Behold the glass that shall never be empty. Look upon the man with no face. Hello! My name is Sisyphus.

Ben Ingersoll, [email protected]

What? Ben, if Sisyphus was going to spend eternity drinking from a bottomless bottle, wouldn't it be Rolling Rock?

Actually, the original ad worked quite well as a two-page spread. But when the client refused to pay 50 percent of the bill, creative delivered only half of the ad - cleverly airbrushing out the gun in Al Pacino's hand. The Olsen Twins looked adorable as milk-mustached hostages.

Gary Leveille, [email protected]

Our loss. The O babes are a walking ad for the rightness of human cloning. The headline: "Playing full house on a dog day afternoon is one thing. Enjoying it is another."

Who's capable of filling his tumbler from a sealed bottle? The ever-elusive David Copperfield. Here, Dave's in the process of once again vanishing without paying. Apparently, Mr. C's fall from the spotlight has reduced him to a "bar tab escape artist."

Mike Harley, [email protected]

Mike, we know just where you're coming from with this dis. How could that rabbit-pulling fool have dated Claudia? When we first found out about it, we were so steamed we threw our lifesize cardboard cutout of her right the hell outta the bed!

That's K.D. Lang about to execute a little grab-ass on a passing waitress.

Bob Labeskis, labeskis/[email protected]

Who? Do you mean k.d. lang? Could be. Also looks a little like bell hooks. It could even be the ghost of e.e. cummings.

Perhaps they are testing the idea of someone finally making it in life, being able to enjoy the better things without indulging in it. You take your time and enjoy it. You never know when you will be able to do it again.

Gerry Koontz, [email protected]

Ger? Been reading too much of your namesake Dean? Perhaps you're testing the idea of a career as a standup tragedian?

An ode to hard times in advertising: Just cut off their heads, then you don't pay the models/And don't break the seals, have to return the bottles/Must airbrush that hand, the wrong product it's baring/If B&B's so successful, how come they're not sharing?

Craig Morgan, [email protected]

This rocks, man. Are you the author of the famous "Ode on a Grecian Formula"?

Since becoming a Benedictine oblate in 1992, I have already spent some time in a Benedictine monastery. For your readers who may be interested in more information about Benedictine oblates, see osb.org/obl/intro.html.

Patrick Redmond, [email protected]

Pat, you win! And you don't need the prize, you're already there! You're right; commenting on the ad is so, like, mundane. And you can't believe all the ad folks who are thinking about taking the abbey road - and not just for the free booze. With the post-9/11 death of ironing, those robes are looking pretty cool, too.

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"Vegetarian by Day. Bacardi by Night." He's licking her navel while she's pouring what is presumably the product on his nose. What in tarnation is this about?! Why are people dressed like this in a bar? What does vegetarianism have to do with it? For that matter, which one of them doesn't eat meat? Swing your biggest bat at [email protected] Contest not open to anyone with a joint AA/PETA membership!

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