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The ad: This triple putz for Visa. The prize: A pot of coffee brewed by JoJo Starbuck. The verdict: Look, we love Tonya Harding as much as anyone. In fact, we've seen her movie, Breakaway -- no, it's not about Nancy's knee -- five times. But four million Tonya entries just won't do, people. So we're sending a 400-pound guy to your house to install a new gait.

Perhaps Stan can sleep at night knowing he has subsidized athletic elitism in this country, but I have taken scissors to all my credit cards. Not the feel-good response Visa was looking for from its target demographic, is it?

Tim Johnston

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Are you nuts? How will you get into all the dirty Web sites?

Stan was head chef at Nagano's Olympic Rink Cafe. His specialty was frozen leg of Hamilton mixed with just a hint of Yamaguchi.

Adam Bailine

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Yeah, the food in Nagano stank. In fact, it said in the visitor's guide, "When ordering leg, please be sure to ask if it is fresh."

You're obviously unaware of the new Olympic sport, beef skating, in which athletes attempt to create perfect cuts of meat using only their feet. The most difficult move is the triple T-bone, which has only been successfully executed once by a Lithuanian butcher in regional competition.

Marvin Johnson

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Marv, you'll be happy to know that Nicole Bobek has actually switched to beef skating, and while she hasn't mastered the triple T-bone yet, she does a hell of a rump roast.

Quick to capitalize on what really makes women's figure skating exciting, the ad cleverly refers to the inclusion of full contact skating in the 2002 Winter Olympics. Look for future executions to include the chain-mail sequin vest and the golden spiked tiara.

Dave Swartz

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Yes! And now if they'd only do something about women's speedskating. Why can't they swat each other with cricket bats on the turns?

Stan is the brute hired by that pouty little Nicole Bobek. Their plan was to lop off the elephantine ears of that damn Tara Lipinski, who may someday whirl away like a helicopter during one of those spins, if she's not careful.

James Dodd

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So we guess you've got Blue Velvet, Reservoir Dogs and Lust for Life on the ol' video shelf, huh, Jim? We really hadn't noticed that Tara has humongous ears, but we'll take your word for it. Hey, she's only 15, maybe her head will grow out.

This ad tells us that the next Winter Olympics needs a scandal, with Michelle Kwan hiring her ex-boyfriend to take out that pipsqueak Lipinski with a butcher knife.

Katie Schaeffer

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It'll never happen. By 2002, Tara's ears will be so big not even a ninja could sneak up on her.

Stan is the U.S. skate team's bikini line shaver. He defected from the Russian team in the '70s, seeking asylum from what he called "The hairiest women I have ever seen." Now the U.S. team has the smoothest women on ice.

Andy Conroy

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Uh, Andy, if you're one of those guys who plays with Barbies and Barbasol, we don't wanna know about it, this is a family publication.

P.S. This is my 12th submission, and if it doesn't get printed, I'm sending Alberto Tomba to your house to downhill slalom on your face.

Mike Lauterborn

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Well, your entry was about Tonya, Mike, so we couldn't run it, but we got the P.S. in. Cool?

Stan is a reference to Stan "Mr. Stubs" Tacanno, long a legend among debt collectors. The ad prudently omits what Mr. Tacanno may do if you use American Express.

Matthew Hillman

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Right, Matt. After a visit from Stan, you'll have to leave home without it.

This is a new T&A flick called Killer Figure Skaters From Nagano, starring Jack Nicholson, Norman Bates and Tara Lipinski.

Chris Van Ness

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Good try, Chris, but that's a T&E flick.

I think I saw that same footwear in a Bruno Magli catalog.

Mike Dunn

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Impossible. Nobody would wear them ugly-ass skates.

Stan is none other than Stanley Kubrick. While watching Lipinski's triumph, he had the brilliant idea of remaking The Shining with none other than Tara in the role of Jack Torrence. In the film's final scenes, she wears the "Redrum" skates while terrorizing her family.

Jeff Caplin

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Heeere's Tara! And Shelley Duval has jumbo ears too! Q-Tips will be underwriting the entire production.

These are from the Mork & Mindy episode where Mork, after being bitten by a space tick, goes insane. He uses Mindy's skates and her good steak knives. Mindy's dad burns the tick off Mork just before he does a bloody figure-eight on Mindy.

Omar Curiel

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Whew! We thought James was a little weird with the ear movies, but we're starting to like him now. But since you didn't claim that Tonya was bitten by a space tick, Omar, you're a winner! We gave your coffee to a homeless man in Penn Station, who wouldn't accept it till we threw in two bottles of Kahlua. We're billing you.

This Month's Contest

Win a free

1998 Chevy Corsica!

Chivas Regal. The tag is, "You either have it or you don't." Up in the corner it says, "Bonaparte N," like maybe it's a file tab. Uh, OK. We walked this through the idea detector half a dozen times, but the bell never sounded. Please consult your local osteopath and get back to us at [email protected] Contest

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