Upward of 30,000 guests are expected to crowd the Côte d'Azur for what's properly known as the Cannes Lions International Festival of Creativity, which means that, uh [taps spastically at calculator keypad, Colbert-style], yes, 100% of the marketing and media world -- plus or minus 99% -- will be attending.
Except me. I'm sitting out Cannes this year, but I'm determined to not miss out. That's why I've developed the revolutionary new Cannes Play-at-Home Edition, which is designed to allow me to indulge in the Cannes experience from the comfort and sanity (and cheapness) of my own apartment. Even better, the Cannes Play-at-Home Edition has a social media activation that will make it seem like I'm at Cannes without ever explicitly stating that I'm in the South of France (i.e., I won't technically be lying).
Since I know you're going to Cannes for real -- because everybody is going to Cannes -- you won't need the Cannes Play-at-Home Edition. But just in case, FYI:
1. I'm setting up a big display of awesome creative campaigns in a corner of my apartment to approximate the basement exhibit of work at the Palais. And then -- this is key -- I will not go anywhere near that display. No one will.
2. On Sunday, June 18, I plan to tweet:
Finally here! This weather, wow, amiright?
3. On Monday, I'll glance at this picture ...
And then I'm going to tweet:
I think I just saw Ryan Seacrest. What's he doing here?
Late morning, after buying an overpriced baguette (from Whole Foods), I'll Instagram a photo of it jauntily positioned next to an overpriced espresso (available wherever espresso is sold), having poured it from its paper cup into a tiny bistro glass. Hashtags: #PetitDejeunerOfChampions #TheCoteLife
4. Every day I'll look at this photo. And I'll tell myself: I have to make time to hit the beach -- not counting Facebook Beach. And then, the entire week, I won't make it to the beach.
At some point, I'll also tweet:
Anybody know where the 'Attractive Women Only' VaynerMedia party is this year? #AttractiveWomanHere #ReadyToParty
5. A Tuesday tweet:
It always surprises me how small Sir Martin Sorrell is. #pocketmogul
Also, I'll retweet some tweets about the Cannes Lions Cyber awards from that night's ceremony, and tweet this myself:
As far as the cyber, we should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we're not. #MakeCannesGreatAgain
I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay? #CannesCyber
6. A Wednesday tweet:
Already too much rosé. Make it stop #justsaynosé
Wow, the Chinese are out in force this year.
7. On Thursday, I will have drinks with someone I never see who, like me, lives in New York City. I'll choose someone who works literally three blocks away from me. And then I'll make a point of not seeing them again until June 2018.
Also, I'll glance at that Seacrest photo another time. And I'll tweet:
Ryan Seacrest AGAIN?
I'll also tweet:
I am SO fatigué.
8. On Friday, after the Creative Effectiveness awards ceremony, I'll tweet:
I wish every Lion celebrated creative effectiveness. #TooMuchToAsk?
I'll also tweet:
So much work this year that positively impacts not only brands, but also the world at large. #inspired #blessed
9. Saturday morning, I'll tweet:
Saturday evening after the last awards ceremony, I'll tweet this and wait to see how many people assume I'm tweeting about them:
#CONGRATS!!! #TeamAwesome #WellDeserved #BrilliantWork #Cannes
(If David Droga doesn't at least favorite my tweet, I'll consider it a fail.)
10. On Sunday, I'll go silent. On Monday, I'll tweet:
#OverTooSoon #MissingFrance #TuMeManques #inspired #blessed #grateful
Simon Dumenco, aka Media Guy, is an Ad Age editor-at-large. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.