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Who do you miss more: Spuds MacKenzie or Charlie the Tuna?

No contest. Spuds MacKenzie was a pimp. He was always sitting around the pool in a Hawaiian shirt surrounded by yes men, kiss-asses and hangers-on. In retrospect, it's easy to see why so many people in the Hollywood community see Spuds as a sort of role model for bad-boy screenwriter Joe Ezsterhas. Plus, I think he was on junk. Charlie the Tuna, on the other hand, was Old School. It's like comparing Huey Lewis and Sinatra. Charlie had balls and good taste.

Who would you rather be shipwrecked on a desert island with? The Maytag Repairman, Wendy the Snapple Lady or Madge the Manicurist?

The Maytag Repairman is out; he was always all about himself. "I don't have anything to fix, I'm bored, woe is me." Shut it. Wendy would drive me up a wall in about two seconds; I grew up on Long Island with a lot of women like her, and she seems a little too high-maintenance to be my Friday. So it has to be Madge. I feel like if I really had a problem or needed someone to talk to, Madge wouldn't just hear me, she would listen. And my cuticles are a mess.

Are you afraid of Mr. K?

Mr. K definitely gives me the heebie-jeebies in a Mr. Roarke-Fantasy Islandesque puppet master kind of way. He just knows way too much about way too much. Plus, his dog has a weird "Master, I shall do your bidding" way about him. These two are the most screwed up human-dog duo since Mr. Peabody and Sherman.

If the Bernbach era was the Golden Age of advertising, what substance best represents this era?

Magic Shell. We are living in the Magic Shell Age of Advertising. Magic Shell was a sort of Bosco-like substance developed for the military industrial complex. Although it was liquid, even when refrigerated, it turned solid on contact with ice cream and other frozen desserts. The thing about Magic Shell was no one could explain how it worked and no one was sure if it would have any positive or negative effects on the user. It was pretty obvious that it was self-indulgent, and both its form and content were suspect, but the Man kept on making it and the masses kept on buying it.

What should Michael Jordan not sell?

It's a well-known fact among the marketing cognoscenti that Jordan is self-conscious about his thin legs. Therefore, he should eschew huckstering for culottes, gauchos or the alarmingly omnipresent fashion innovation known as "the skort."

Have you ever had a milk mustache?

No, but right around the time the now-irrelevant band the Spin Doctors were peaking with their chart-topping "Two Princes," I was known to sport a milk goatee.

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