What the Hell is Going On Here?

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The prize Mandy Moore's soap dish. The ad This "Girl's night out" jailbait-and-switch for Caboodles bath & shower gel. The verdict Lewdness. Depravity. Incest. And those are just the entries that pay homage to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Inflatable Kates, Airy Marys, Fillerup Phylicias, Pneumatic Noras . . . is there anyone out there who doesn't want a foot pump for Christmas?

This is not a mother and daughter. Rather, the older woman is the matron at Sunnybrook Minimum Security Correctional Facility for Girls. Her devious prisoner has used the Caboodles gel to eat through the bars of her cell and . . .

Bob Sharp & Kristy Maggard [email protected]

Bob and Kristy, we just adore couples' entries! Did the What the Hell contest bring you happy kids together in the holy bonds of matrimony? If so, we want a commission.

Mom, a divorced single parent, hasn't had a date in months and was looking forward to a little "me" time in the Jacuzzi. Thinking that her princess fell for the push-the-clocks-ahead trick, she peeks in to see if the coast is clear. Little does she know that Daddy, a climbing instructor at the Vertical Club, has taught their daughter well.

Liz Obernesser, [email protected]

Liz, there's something very sordid about this. What's this Senior Network gig? You pimpin' for Bob Dole?

This ad is really about women coming out of the closet, thus the screen with the three schmattas hanging on it - which, by the way, no teenage girl would be caught dead wearing.

Cynthia Maniglia, [email protected]

Excellent point, Cindy, but we're running your entry mainly because when Italians throw around Yiddish, we're impressed. You must be quite the menschetta.

John Hughes meets John Waters in this thinly veiled movie promotional poster for Transgendered Ferris Bueller's Night Out starring that kid from Billy Elliot as Ferris . . .

Jason Fox, [email protected]

OK, here's the one Bueller-related entry we'll run. But there's no reason Matthew Broderick can't reprise the role; he looks younger today than he did back then. He's clearly among the many celebrities who're paying big bucks to suck the bone marrow from Dick Clark's spine.

Caboodles. Because Daddy likes his girl clean. Only this time, she's "booby" trapped a deadly decoy with plastic explosive breasts and awaits his final nightly visit from a safe viewing distance . . . "Oh, God, no! Not Mom, nooooo!!!"

John Megery, [email protected]

John, congratulations. We took the liberty of forwarding this treatment for an incest after-school special to the WB, and the project is an instant go, man! Britney Spears is starring, Jesse Helms is playing Daddy, and Mom will be portrayed by the late Nancy Marchand in an amazing feat of digital editing.

Little does precious Sally know, but Mommy wanted to see if she was asleep so she could borrow her sweet smelling shower gel. You see, Mommy just put her "wife dummy" in bed.

Lauren Greer, [email protected]

Yeah, right next to Daddy's "hubby dummy." Even Spot has a "doggie dummy." What is this world coming to?! It's only fit for ventriloquists!

Tweener Tina went to bed "with cramps" around 7, crawled out onto the roof to smoke a fat doobie and fool around with the delinquent from next door, and now she's sneaking back in.

Jacqueline Daigle [email protected]

Considering the level of sheer depravity around here, we can only be thankful she didn't go to bed with Gramps.

As a girl becomes a woman, she passes through a brief experimental stage where she'll sneak over to her girlfriend's house and they'll shampoo each other's hair with orgasm-inducing Herbal Essence. I assume the Caboodles brand manager wants in on some of that action. Who wouldn't?

Steven Casey, [email protected]

Who wouldn't, Steve? How about normal people who aren't turned on by teenage sapphic hair rituals, OK?!

Clearly, there is a roving gang of girls who like to creep through open windows into the bedrooms of very young children and eat them. Caboodles bath & shower gel simply adds a festively tasty zing to the meal.

Brad Goodman, [email protected]

Finally! A sane person who isn't obsessed with kinky sex! Thanks, Brad. You're not a copywriter? That "festively tasty zing" is so mouthwateringly Krafty, you know? You oughta do some freelance, man.

The girl is more like 22 and that's not her mother looking in, it's her lesbian life partner. The escapee said she was going to "retire early," since she was feeling "fluish." She's actually sneaking out for a night of free love. The gel is to wash the stink of tawdry sex off her guilty flesh.

Morissa Cohen, [email protected]

Guilt! As long as there's guilt, we can live with kinky sex. Morissa, you're one encrusted soap dish richer, and it's autographed with a fingernail, so don't get it wet. Hell, take the day off and go buy a new schmatta. This Month's Contest

Win Benji's flea collar!

A man is sitting in his dining room in front of a big bowl of Lipton onion dip, holding a large dog biscuit. It appears to be the only biscuit he has, no bag is in sight anywhere, the table is bare, nothing. He has a beatific grin on his face, or he may be sleeping. His dog (who has his own house) is outside, howling. What can we possibly deduce from this bizarre scene? Take us for walkies at [email protected] (Note the new e-mail address!) Contest not open to the kind of people who put Blue Bonnet on Liv-A-Snaps!

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