1. Henceforth, the number of Geico commercials that run
on Hulu shall be restricted (something less than 18 per
hour would be awfully nice) in order to reduce: A) the Geico
Gecko's exposure to solar radiation at nude beaches; B) the risk of
the Geico Gecko falling to his death from George Washington's eye
socket at Mount Rushmore; and C) the chances of me losing my
2. Henceforth, by virtue of Media Guy's previously
agreed-upon pop-cultural sequester, Lindsay Lohan shall be
furloughed from her role as Hollywood's go-to train wreck on
alternate Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
3. Henceforth, all articles and blog posts about
fortunes shall be accompanied by a disclosure statement:
"Ignore pretty much everything you're about to read, because not
that long ago we were shameless Apple polishers and fanboys, but
everybody's bashing Apple lately and we really hate
feeling left out -- and, oh, by the way, did you hear that the
iPhone 6 is going to have virtual holographic haptic sensing
technology? Ohmygod, it's totally going to change
4. Henceforth, a "kardashian" shall be designated as a
unit of measurement of the depth of shallowness, with a
"kim" level of kardashian so shallow that, for all practical
purposes, it's flat.
5. Henceforth, all pope-selection and Kate Middleton
baby-bump TV coverage shall be confined to any or all of the 14
seldom-watched cable channels that
Cablevision is suing Viacom for "forcing" it to carry, such as
Nick Jr., Nicktoons and VH1 Classic, thereby killing two birds with
one stone: A) giving Cablevision the increased ratings it desires
on these channels, and B) allowing the cable news networks to
return to their regular programming, so that those of us who prefer
a menu of partisan demagoguery and disaster porn needn't endure
endless speculation about whether or not Kate is going to have a
black baby or if the Vatican is going to pick a girl or a boy.
6. Likewise, the
two leading viral-video memes of the moment shall henceforth be
consolidated into one trend -- the Harlem Yelling Goat
Shake meme -- so as to forestall the very real possibility of the
internet running out of space.
7. Henceforth, Chris Brown's career shall be regulated
by the Food and Drug Administration as a controlled
substance, and his ego shall be designated a Superfund
toxic cleanup site managed by the Environmental Protection
8. Henceforth, all click-baiting, traffic-humping,
nipple-related Huffington Post coverage -- such as (most
recently) "Rihanna Reveals Nipple Ring, Thong In See-Through Black
Dress (NSFW PHOTOS)," "Mariah Carey Nipple: Singer Flashes Some
Boob At Concert (PHOTOS)," "Craziest Nipple Pasties (NSFW)" and
"Anne Hathaway "Nipples' On The Oscars Red Carpet Are Super
Distracting (PHOTOS)"* -- shall be relegated to a new spinoff blog,
9. Henceforth, no more numbered listicles,
ever. Seriously, this is the last one, people. We had a
good run; time to move on (to lettered lists).
*Yes, those are all real Huffington Post headlines.
Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for
Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.