9 Media Things That Should Be Immediately Regulated
Once again, in keeping with the spirit of this, the Regulation Issue of Advertising Age, your Media Guy has instituted a whole bunch of new laws, bylaws, bi-laws, in-laws and bi in-laws. For the betterment of media, marketing and mankind.
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1. Henceforth, the number of Geico commercials that run on Hulu shall be restricted (something less than 18 per hour would be awfully nice) in order to reduce: A) the Geico Gecko's exposure to solar radiation at nude beaches; B) the risk of the Geico Gecko falling to his death from George Washington's eye socket at Mount Rushmore; and C) the chances of me losing my freaking mind.
2. Henceforth, by virtue of Media Guy's previously agreed-upon pop-cultural sequester, Lindsay Lohan shall be furloughed from her role as Hollywood's go-to train wreck on alternate Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
3. Henceforth, all articles and blog posts about Apple's declining fortunes shall be accompanied by a disclosure statement: "Ignore pretty much everything you're about to read, because not that long ago we were shameless Apple polishers and fanboys, but everybody's bashing Apple lately and we really hate feeling left out -- and, oh, by the way, did you hear that the iPhone 6 is going to have virtual holographic haptic sensing technology? Ohmygod, it's totally going to change everything."
4. Henceforth, a "kardashian" shall be designated as a unit of measurement of the depth of shallowness, with a "kim" level of kardashian so shallow that, for all practical purposes, it's flat.
5. Henceforth, all pope-selection and Kate Middleton baby-bump TV coverage shall be confined to any or all of the 14 seldom-watched cable channels that Cablevision is suing Viacom for "forcing" it to carry, such as Nick Jr., Nicktoons and VH1 Classic, thereby killing two birds with one stone: A) giving Cablevision the increased ratings it desires on these channels, and B) allowing the cable news networks to return to their regular programming, so that those of us who prefer a menu of partisan demagoguery and disaster porn needn't endure endless speculation about whether or not Kate is going to have a black baby or if the Vatican is going to pick a girl or a boy.
6. Likewise, the two leading viral-video memes of the moment shall henceforth be consolidated into one trend -- the Harlem Yelling Goat Shake meme -- so as to forestall the very real possibility of the internet running out of space.
7. Henceforth, Chris Brown's career shall be regulated by the Food and Drug Administration as a controlled substance, and his ego shall be designated a Superfund toxic cleanup site managed by the Environmental Protection Agency.
8. Henceforth, all click-baiting, traffic-humping, nipple-related Huffington Post coverage -- such as (most recently) "Rihanna Reveals Nipple Ring, Thong In See-Through Black Dress (NSFW PHOTOS)," "Mariah Carey Nipple: Singer Flashes Some Boob At Concert (PHOTOS)," "Craziest Nipple Pasties (NSFW)" and "Anne Hathaway "Nipples' On The Oscars Red Carpet Are Super Distracting (PHOTOS)"* -- shall be relegated to a new spinoff blog, HuffPoNipplesNipplesNipplesWeGotNipplesHereCheckEmOutNipples.com.
9. Henceforth, no more numbered listicles, ever. Seriously, this is the last one, people. We had a good run; time to move on (to lettered lists).
*Yes, those are all real Huffington Post headlines.
Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.