A Pop Quiz So Easy Even Jerry Lewis and Illiterates Could Ace It

Let's See What You Know About Britney's Babies, an Airline for Catholics and the Immortal McLovin

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The kids are all heading back to school, which means it's a perfect time for one of my quarterly Media Guy Media Studies Pop Quizzes. Stop your groaning already! All books and papers off your desks -- now!
An illiterate what? During his telethon, Jerry Lewis employed some, er, colorful language.
An illiterate what? During his telethon, Jerry Lewis employed some, er, colorful language. Credit: Judy Allen

Britney Spears's big comeback single is titled "Gimme More." Gimme more what, exactly?
  1. Babies, y'all.
  2. Baby-daddies to help me make them babies, y'all.
  3. A supercute manny to be nanny to my babies, y'all.
  4. Panties -- can't y'all see I've run out, y'all?

Jerry Lewis was forced to apologize after joking on his annual Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon that his cameraman's "family" had come to see him. Gesturing to camera equipment, Lewis said, "You remember Bart, your oldest son," before pointing out "Jesse, the illiterate faggot." What other, less publicized, non sequitur name-calling did 81-year-old Lewis engage in?
  1. Pointed to the craft-services table, called two frosted doughnuts "sugar tits."
  2. Claimed Teleprompters "are responsible for all the wars in the world."
  3. Claimed a lighting rig takes a "wide stance" in airport men's rooms.
  4. Called a promiscuous boom mike a "ho."

Edward Carr, the editor of the coming Economist spinoff Intelligent Life, which is targeted to the mega-rich, recently told The Independent that his magazine will take a uniquely think-y approach to conspicuous consumption. "Whereas some lifestyle magazines have lots of objects," he declared, "I want Intelligent Life to be not about the objects themselves but about what they mean to people. I think there's something of the zeitgeist in that." For example?
  1. "Driving my Maybach coupe makes me feel really, really rich."
  2. "As the CEO of an average large American company, I make $10.8 million a year, or 362 times as much as the average worker -- which means I can buy objects that are 362 times nicer than those that people who aren't really, really rich can afford."
  3. "To me, carrying a $4,000 handbag means that I'm really, really rich."
  4. "I think there's something of the zeitgeist in the fact that I'm really, really rich and can afford the sorts of objects that really, really rich people buy."

So far, CBS hasn't blinked in response to the outcry over its coming reality series "Kid Nation," in which 40 kids ranging from 8 to 15 years old had 40 days to "to build a brave new world without adults to help or hinder their efforts," despite injuries (including drinking bleach and a hot-grease burn) and 14-hour workdays for some of the children. What other coming controversial reality series, involving in-over-their-heads participants, are in the works?
  1. The Learning Channel's "Diaper Derby," in which celebrity babies with negligent, club-going parents must triumph over adversity -- and their own comically limited dexterity -- to change their own Huggies.
  2. Lauren Caitlin Upton, aka Miss South Carolina -- who spoke so movingly of U.S. Americans' difficulties with maps in the Miss Teen USA pageant -- to participate in CBS's "Survivor: Hot Topic," in which contestants must find their way out of the popular mall clothing store without buying anything that's, like, too matchy-matchy.
  3. The CW's "Geek, Geek and the Geek" -- a "Beauty and the Geek" spinoff in which three pathologically shy geeks must compete to live up to the name McLovin.
  4. Fox's "Illiterate Homosexual Book Club," sponsored by Harlequin Romance novels.

"Good Morning America," responding to NBC's addition of a fourth hour to its "Today" show, has expanded to three hours, but the third hour isn't on broadcast TV -- it's only for a tiny audience of broadband and mobile customers who pay a premium for an add-on service called "Good Morning America Now." What's the exact nature of the added value that justifies a full third hour?
  1. More time for lingering close-ups on third-hour "GMA" host Chris Cuomo, allowing him to show off his silky, curly locks and Oompa-Loompa tan.
  2. Sam Champion to use additional adverbs and adjectives to describe the weather.
  3. More wholesome, Morning-rific American Good-ness.
  4. Fortified with extra "Now."

The marketing push from Vatican Airlines, the new Catholic Church–sponsored airline for the Italian faithful en route to pilgrimage sites, includes slogans such as "I'm searching for your face, oh Lord" emblazoned on passenger-seat headrests. What other innovative marketing initiatives were considered but ultimately rejected?
  1. Carrie Underwood to rerecord hit song "Jesus, Take the Wheel," substituting "rudder control" for "wheel," as Vatican Airlines jingle.
  2. In the unlikely event of a drop in cabin pressure, one free special dispensation for swearing should passengers accidentally utter, "Oh, f -- , we're all gonna die!"
  3. A complimentary nine-hour Lent-style food-and-water fast in case of severe flight delays.
  4. The official Vatican Airlines slogan: "Is that turbulence, God, or are you just happy to see me?"

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ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.
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