Thank you, Fox, for arranging to air the upcoming "O.J. Simpson: "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened" special based on his book, "If I Did It." I know that you probably had many proposals for similar specials, such as "If I Were Fat, Here's What I Might Have Eaten," starring John Goodman. But by going with the O.J. special -- the most mind-bogglingly offensive option -- you're staying true to your network brand values. And I appreciate that.
Thanks, "CBS Evening News" makeup people, for continuing to overdo Katie Couric's eye makeup. It's a lot easier for me to take grim news about, say, Iraq when it's delivered by a bottle-blond raccoon. And until CBS chief Les Moonves is able to live out his ultimate dream -- having the Olsen Twins deliver the evening news -- I say keep slathering the eye shadow on Katie!
Speaking of newscasters, thanks, NBC bean-counters, for not laying off Stone Phillips' hairstylist in the recent round of "Dateline" cutbacks. Sometimes I like to think of Stone Phillips' face as "Phillips" and his hair as "Stone" -- an inseparable team, like Terrance and Phillip of the cartoon-within-the-cartoon on "South Park." Noble, immobile "Stone" is, if you ask me, a TV institution. If there need be any more layoffs at "Dateline," I hope "Phillips" gets let go before "Stone."
Thanks, BBC, for setting up a system wherein you pay viewers who send in user-generated videos, making it clear in your guidelines that "Audiences should not be encouraged to think that payment is the norm." I look forward to thanking you again for, inevitably, expanding your guidelines imminently to include additional stipulations, including "Audiences should not be encouraged to think that the BBC wishes to see their bits and tackle. Kindly put that away."
Thanks, Edward R. Murrow, for coming back from the dead to inhabit the body of Keith Olbermann.
Thanks, Judy "WMD" Miller -- my favorite disgraced former New York Times reporter -- for recently complaining about the lack of ethics among bloggers. Judy, you're hilaaaaaarious!
Thanks, Fox News, for signing up madman blogger Greg Gutfeld as a commentator. But, you know, the fun won't really begin until you name Greg head of human resources.
Thanks, Larry King, for admitting during an interview with Roseanne Barr that you've never used the internet. And thanks, especially, for demurring when Roseanne encouraged you to try it, saying, "I wouldn't love it. What, do you punch little buttons and things?" I have a feeling that if you had, at Roseanne's prompting, gone ahead and punched those little buttons and things, the internet might have ended up crashing -- and Nick Denton's head might have exploded or something.
Thanks, publishing conglomerate Pearson, for arranging to work with business schools Wharton and Sloan to produce a wiki-written business book to be titled "We Are Smarter Than Me." I'm sure New Yorker business columnist James Surowiecki, author of "The Wisdom of Crowds," won't mind that you're basically appropriating his whole schtick. (Hey, blame the wiki! The wiki did it!)
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