The world, according to Cosmopolitan, doesn't divide between good and evil, or "us" and "them," or Coke and Pepsi, or even red states and blue states. It divides along the lines of sexy and skanky -- thus the new "Sexy vs. Skanky" back-page column that makes its debut in the magazine's October issue.

Some choice examples: "Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley's [wedding] reception": sexy. "Pam Anderson and Kid Rock's reception": skanky. "Hitting on a guy": sexy. "Hitting your assistant Naomi Campbell-style": skanky. Really, this stuff should be taught in schools. (And term papers could be graded as either sexy or skanky.)

Honestly, I'm so appreciative that Cosmo has clarified the moral/aesthetic universe for me. Although, already I long for even more guidance. Like, what happens when a sexy person and a skank have a child? (Is the child skanksy? Skexy?) Or what happens when two skanks --say, Christina Aguilera and Johnny Knoxville -- canoodle? Do they cancel each other out? And extrapolating from the Naomi Campbell example, is skankiness a misdemeanor or a felony?