More Media Insight Than W Can Shake His 'Google' At

Media Guy Asks the Not So Frequently Asked Questions

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Every couple of months, as a reader service, Media Guy fields imaginary questions from nonexistent readers. He does this out of deference to his real readers' very busy lives, thus saving them the trouble of writing in with questions they simply don't have time to ask.
George W. Bush
George W. Bush Credit: AP

Q: Rush Limbaugh had to apologize for accusing Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the severity of his Parkinson's disease by cranking up the shaking in a pro-stem-cell-research political ad. Wow, Rush apologizing. Is that a first?
A: No, actually Rush Limbaugh once had to apologize to Rush Limbaugh for accusing himself of exaggerating certain elements of his appearance when he appears on TV. "While I still believe that the camera adds 10 pounds," a contrite Rush stated at the time, "it turns out that I'm almost exactly as fat, bloated and hateful in real life as I appear to be on TV. I'm a radio guy; I didn't know better. Say, do you know where I could score some hydrocodone?"

Q: Rupert Murdoch's British tabloid 'The Sun' recently launched a spinoff site called MySun. What's that about?
A: Basically it's a way for Murdoch to leverage the prefix "My-," which has recently eclipsed the suffix "-ster" as the linguistic appendage most likely to induce spontaneous orgasm in media moguls and venture capitalists. Speaking of venture capitalists, my sources in Silicon Valley tell me that a group of them are close to buying the site for one hundred trillion billion dollars.

Q: President Bush recently told CNBC's Maria Bartiromo that he sometimes uses "the Google." The Google? What, did he read the cue card wrong or something?
A: No, actually, he meant "the Google." As White House spokesman Tony Snow later confirmed, "the Google" is the president's affectionate nickname for his penis.

Q: Since YouTube's founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen arranged to sell their site to Google, copyright-violating videos have been disappearing left and right -- including, I just read, nearly 30,000 clips that various Japanese media companies demanded be pulled, and another 1,000 clips that a British digital-rights company demanded be pulled. What's going to be left on YouTube in the end?
A: A hilarious video of Hurley and Chen titled "A message to Google," in which the boys look into the cameras and blurt: "Nyah, nyah! Suckers! See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!"

Q: I read that Maxim magazine is licensing its name to steakhouses, with 15 Maxim Prime restaurants slated to open in the next five years. Didn't Maxim try to license its name before, for men's hair dye?
A: Yes, but it turned out that many Maxim readers -- particularly the core 12-year-olds who first master the art of self-love when glimpsing Maxim's elegant covers -- don't yet have gray hair. Which, if you ask me, makes the steakhouse concept a bit dubious too. Personally, I'd like to see Maxim go in a different direction, with an all-new dining concept that's more brand-appropriate. Something like Chuck E. Cheese meets Hooters. Or Taco Bell meets Girls Gone Wild.

Q: Technorati founder David Sifry told the Chicago Tribune last week that 170,000 blogs are created every single day. What the hell are all those blogs about?
A: Most are about Lindsay Lohan, porn -- and Lindsay Lohan porn.

Q: Thanks to staff cutbacks, The New York Times Co. is giving up five floors of its new headquarters, still under construction in Times Square. Who would want to sublet Times space?
A: Actually, the space is already leased. Google is taking four floors to store its petty cash -- you'd be surprised how much space wads and wads of tens and twenties and fifties take up -- and Craigslist founder Craig Newmark is taking a floor to serve as the official Craigslist East Coast Champagne Room.

Q: Speaking of the Times, what's the deal with Jane Pauley's suit against the paper? It has something to do with misrepresentation?

A: Yeah, it turns out the Times isn't really from Kazakhstan, nor is it really interested in cultural learnings of America for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan.

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