Secret White Paper Revealed: Winning the War on The Media

Putting an End to Pointed Interrogation and Condescending Follow-up Questions

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To: All Concerned
From: [Redacted]
Re: The War on the Media
Is the war on the media unwinnable? Not at all! Quite simply, only unpatriotic haters think that. The fact of the matter is the enemy has never been weaker. We've got the media on the run, and we're going to keep them on the run. They are terrorists who are hell-bent on destroying our nation, and we're not going to let them! It is our position that the war on the media is absolutely winnable if we put our minds to it.
Media mullah: Keith Olbermann, civil warrior.
Media mullah: Keith Olbermann, civil warrior. Credit: Stwarbux WENN
We may never be able to fully eliminate media terrorism -- pointed interrogation, condescending follow-up questions, etc. -- but if we truly want to create a safe environment for politicians of all persuasions (whether Republican or Sexist-Traitor), and the children of our politicians, and the children of the children of our politicians, then it is essential that we act now. Toward that end, what follows is an executive summary of key aspects of the anti-media surge strategy developed by the War on the Media Working Group.


We believe the surge strategy can actually take advantage of the media's civil war (the ongoing conflagration that the media themselves are reluctant to label a civil war, but trust us, it really is a civil war). The endgame here is redirecting sectarian violence further inward to encourage a war of attrition. The more that warring factions led by media mullahs such as Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly are encouraged to attack each other, the less time they'll have to attack government leaders.


One of the media's Achilles' heels is that they are increasingly obsessed with providing "service" to consumers -- particularly in regard to supplying fashion tips and "where to buy it" information. A profound lesson to be taken from the Palin candidacy is that when we supply the media with a high-profile fashion item in an unexpected context -- for example, Kawasaki 704 eyeglass frames (aka "Sexy Librarian Glasses") -- the media will helplessly latch on to the "fashion angle." The more nuanced the product (Kawasaki 704s, helpfully, come in gold, silver, gray, brown and dark gray-blue), the more time the media will spend "reporting" on it and the "fashion trend" surrounding said product.


As in, "In what respect, Charlie?"


Another lesson to be learned from the Palin candidacy: Formal interviews should be scheduled as far in advance as possible -- like the "CBS Evening News" Katie Couric sit-down with Sarah Palin and John McCain to be broadcast Sept. 29-30 (with any luck, CBS chief Les Moonves will have canceled the "CBS Evening News" before then).


It is well-known that, in the past few years in particular, the media have dumbed themselves down. When smart journalists who are required to act stupid have to report, in a stupid fashion, on either real or pretend stupidity, it becomes like one giant discombobulating M.C. Escher drawing. We at the War on the Media Working Group have no direct impact, of course, on the strategy or direction of the McCain-Palin campaign (or, rather, the Palin-McCain campaign, as we've come to think of it), but we suggest a follow-up to Palin's Proximity Doctrine (i.e., her assertion that Alaska's proximity to Russia has given her foreign-policy experience): Palin should insist she is qualified to handle the meltdown of the American financial system because she can see a First National Bank Alaska branch from her office and because she sometimes uses the ATM at the Juneau Safeway. Not only would the media's reporting on the stupidity of this assertion be perceived as "elitist," but we believe that "folksy" references to grocery stores and ATM withdrawals will be highly "relatable" to mainstream American voters.


The Working Group maintains that it is prudent and necessary to preemptively attack any and all organizations that employ or otherwise aid journalists. For instance, GE harbors known journalists through its NBC and MSNBC divisions. It is our opinion that GE should be punished for this, its multimillion-dollar military contracts immediately canceled and awarded to, say, Halliburton instead.

It is the position of the War on the Media Working Group that the above strategies and tactics, while falling short of entirely destroying the enemy, will further diminish the power and effectiveness of the media. As a final note, it is the belief of the WMWG that, given the rapid contraction of the traditional mainstream media, most major newspapers will have ceased publishing within the next few years, leaving media outlets such as The Monadnock Shopper News ("The Weekly With a Heart!") and "The Rachael Ray Show" to fill the gap in regard to political reporting. For that reason, we suggest that the next Palin interview be scheduled for December ... 2011.
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