Is Terrorist-Socialist Barack Obama Also a Secret Scientologist?

Take the Special Election-Wrap-Up Edition of the Media Guy Media Studies Quiz and Find Out

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OK, class, it's time again for the Media Guy Media Studies Pop Quiz: Civics Edition! You know, to test just how much you've learned during the extraordinary election season we've all just endured. All books and papers off your desks -- now!

Sarah Palin
Photo: J. Scott Applewhite
Wink: Is Sarah Palin baking up an escape for John McCain?
His $150 million September haul was record-shattering in and of itself, but Barack Obama has further pushed the envelope with unconventional marketing expenditures, even paying to insert ads into video games. What other unconventional places has his campaign placed ads?
One thing we learned during election season, thanks to the McCain-Palin campaign, is that giving tax breaks to the middle class instead of the wealthy is socialism. What else is what?
  • Withdrawing from the war in Iraq is akin to Scientology!
  • Restricting offshore drilling is totally French!
  • William Ayers is Barack Obama's secret gay lover!

Sarah Palin acknowledged her "Caribou Barbie" nickname during her appearance on "Saturday Night Live." What's Joe Biden's nickname?
  • Joe "Apocalypse Now" Biden.
  • Hair Plugs Ken.
  • Gaffey McGaffington.

In one of the most bizarre (and scary) verbal slips of the campaign, John McCain, in an Oct. 8 Bethlehem, Pa., speech, referred to "my fellow prisoners" (the text of the speech supplied to the press indicated that he should have said "my fellow citizens"). What was he thinking?
  • That he really should ask Karl Rove if he might be eligible for some sort of work-release program from the prison-like hell that his own campaign had become.
  • That Bethlehem, with its scenic expanses of concrete and shuttered factory buildings, looks a lot like San Quentin.
  • That that pretty Sarah Palin lady -- you know, I bet she knows how to bake! Maybe I could ask her to bake a file into a cake?

In addition to the "terrorist fist bump," as seen on a certain notorious cartoon cover of the New Yorker, how else do Barack and Michelle Obama express self-satisfaction?
  • With a condescending, Harvard-elite-style smile.
  • With a high-five (signaling intent to raise taxes on hardworking Americans).
  • With a subtle socialist head nod. (Watch for it, watch for it. See?!? There!!)

After initially declaring that he was tired of the media spotlight, McCain campaign mascot Joe the Plumber announced that he might want to run for Congress. What made him change his mind?
  • Heard about Republican Party's $150,000 wardrobe-giveaway program.
  • Was inspired by the Republican Party's rich plumbing-related history, dating back to the Nixon White House.
  • Realized he was way more qualified for public office than Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama famously gave a speech saying that "bitter" small-town Americans "cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them." Whatta snob! How did some small-town Americans decide to prove him wrong?
  • By enthusiastically talking up his Muslim heritage.
  • By yelling "Kill him!" at the mention of his name at McCain-Palin rallies -- but open-mindedly not specifying if guns should be used in the murder.
  • By thoughtfully including him in their planned white-supremacist national killing sprees of black people while wearing -- according to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives -- a working-class outfit of "all-white tuxedos and top hats during the assassination attempt."

If, as Sarah Palin maintains, wealthy Americans paying Reagan-era tax rates is "unpatriotic," how would she pay for the McCain administration's massive housing-rescue plan?
  • By canceling the Bridge to Nowhere -- so that hardworking Americans can take money they would have spent on bridge tolls and instead pay down their mortgages!
  • Proceeds from lotto tickets; pro-America Americans love 'em!
  • Maverick-style! (Wink!)

In one of the more indelible -- and mocked -- scenes of the campaign season, Obama gave his lofty Democratic nomination acceptance speech at Denver's Invesco Field on an elaborate stage studded with Greek columns. Why?
  • Plan to have Obama ride onto stage in gilded Greek chariot scuttled by image-conscious advisers; matching Greek columns too expensive to move at the last minute.
  • Original plan for a four-story Arc de Triomphe–style arch deemed too suggestive of elitist Obama's secret quiche-eating French heritage.
  • Greek columns = coded reference to Barack Obama's planned liberal, gay agenda to make even heterosexual couples get gay-married.

What two formerly innocuous words now send chills down Sarah Palin's spine?
  • Katie and Couric.
  • Tina and Fey.
  • Neiman and Marcus.

ANSWER KEY: A -- except in cases where it's B or C.
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