How to Look Fashionable in Google Glass: Six Lessons from Vogue

If You Somehow Look Both Angry and Emotionless, Google Glass Will Look Right at Home on Your Face

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Sure. That looks fashionable. Maybe.
Sure. That looks fashionable. Maybe.

Remember back in 2009 when Brad Pitt appeared on the cover of Wired wearing a Bluetooth headset? That changed everything. Suddenly wearing a Bluetooth headset no longer meant you were a douchebag; Brad Pitt singlehandedly made Bluetooth headsets fashionable.

Oh, wait. I think maybe I got that wrong…. Yeah, sorry. Thinking back, what we actually learned from Brad Pitt's Wired cover was that the way to look slightly less douchey (but still pretty douchey) while wearing a Bluetooth headset is to, first, make sure you're Brad Pitt.

The September issue of Vogue offers similar lessons about Google Glass. In a 12-page fashion feature (six spreads) shot by renowned photographer Steven Klein, male and female models wear Google's headgear and make it look… fashionable, maybe? Well, that's for you decide. Meanwhile, here are some lessons about how to wear Google Glass that I gleaned from Vogue's feature:

1. Be white. Very, very pale, in fact. Apparently, as seen in Vogue, Google Glass is for very, very pale white people.

2. Have severe cheekbones -- or wear makeup that creates the illusion of having severe cheekbones. If your face looks like a machined surface, the machined surfaces of Google Glass will blend right in.

3. Wear your hair in an Anna Wintour-style bob, if possible (with or without bangs). Cascading sheets of helmet-like hair are useful for hiding the processor unit of Google Glass, which awkwardly protrudes behind your ear. (Your wifi reception may vary.)

4. Affect a look of post-apocalyptic alienation. If you can manage to appear to be somehow both angry and emotionless, Google Glass will look totally fabulous on you.

5. Live in some kind of rusty spaceship. And by "live," I mean stand perfectly still and stare from the windows of your rusty spaceship -- or stand on a rocky outcropping just outside of your rusty spaceship -- and try to look vaguely menacing. Think "Children of the Corn," but a grown-up version, with $2,750 Bottega Veneta saffron wool-cashmere coats and such.

6. Gawk at, or just ignore, people who are not wearing Google Glass. Feel free to pity them, but do not touch them. There is probably something wrong with them.

Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.

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