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The Apple 'Reporting' Cap-and-Trade Act of 2012
Henceforth, the publication of speculative Apple-related articles will be limited by a central authority that issues permits, aka Apple credits, that allow the emission or discharge of a specific number of said articles. For instance, large general-interest websites and blogs may publish no more than 14 speculative Apple-related posts per week, including variations on "iPad 4: What We Know So Far" articles and "The Real Story Behind Apple's Falling Stock Price" columns. The total volume of such Apple-related articles shall be capped industry-wide, which will limit the total number of permits, or Apple credits, available to the publishing industry at large. Web publishers, such as Business Insider, that are unable or unwilling to reduce their emission of speculative Apple-related articles may buy permits, or Apple credits, from publishers whose emission levels fall below their permit/credit level.
The Internet Startup Pre-Acquisition Revenue and Employment Act of 2012
Henceforth, any startup acquired for $1 billion or more by Facebook -- or any other operatically insecure internet giant with startup envy -- shall be required to have annual revenue exceeding tree-fitty (U.S. $3.50), and must have an employee headcount that exceeds the acquiring CEO's total number of fingers and toes.
The Internet Startup User Equity Act of 2012
Henceforth, you, dear Instagram user, shall be entitled to invoice the company, oh, say, $100 for every old-timey-looking photo you upload of your cat. Or what you're about to eat for dinner. Or what your cat is about to eat for dinner.
The Prime-Time Space-Time -Continuum Integrity-Preservation Act of 2012
Henceforth, the Big Four TV networks shall not devote more hours to the broadcast of inept-karaoke-related or inept-dance-related competitions for more prime-time hours than actually exist in prime time, as is currently the case.
The Contestant-Elimination Broadcast-Waste Reduction Act of 2012
Hosts of aforementioned inept-karaoke-related and inept-dance-related competitions may not draw out the announcement of any given contestant elimination for a period exceeding the time it takes for zero-revenue internet companies to become billion-dollar acquisition targets.
The TV-Show Title Full Reporting and Transparency Act of 2012
Despite the failure of the CBS sitcom "S#*! My Dad Says," ABC proceeded with plans to air a sitcom titled "Don't Trust The B—— In Apartment 23," which premiered earlier this month. Henceforth, all TV networks will be enjoined from coming up with f****** cutesy, quasi-potty-mouthed names for their shows.
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Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.