Six More U2-Style Removal Tools Apple Should Introduce

Why Stop at 'Songs of Innocence'?

By Published on .

If you're not a fan of U2 and you use iTunes, then you were probably delighted to learn that Apple has released a special U2-album removal tool that instantly deletes the freebie "Songs of Innocence" from music libraries.

Smooth move, Apple -- but I have to say, why stop there? While you're at it, I've got some ideas for other removal tools you should consider introducing:

• A Bono removal tool. I'm mean, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr., all seem alright. My theory is that maybe if people didn't have to hear Bono's braying, they might like U2 more.

Get rid of it!
Get rid of it! Credit: Joe Bielawa

• A Justin Bieber removal tool -- i.e., a send-the-tool-back-to-Canada tool. (A January "We the People" petition to the White House -- "Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card" -- was a failure. It drew 273,968 signatures, but the White House punted.)

• A coleslaw removal tool. Specifically, I want Apple to work with to ensure that my favorite deli sandwich doesn't come with goddamn cole slaw. Every time I order my go-to sandwich and it comes with a despicable codeslaw "side," I think about how many millions of little unwanted tubs of coleslaw end up in landfills every year. If you grouped all the landfill coleslaw together, how big would it be in terms of land mass? Bigger than Rhode Island? Arizona? Alaska? For the record, writing "Do NOT send the coleslaw" in the Seamless "Special Instructions" field never seems to work. We need a new, comprehensive technological solution for America's coleslaw crisis.

• A Kardashian removal tool -- obviously.

• A non-charm Lucky Charms removal tool. I don't want the cardboard-y pellet part of Lucky Charms -- the stuff that looks like cat food. I just want the sugary-sweet marshmallowy part. Yes, I know you can order generic cereal marshmallows in bulk online, but I want real Lucky Charms charms.

• Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun mascot. He's always creeped me out a bit. I want him off the box. He's like the Bono of cereal mascots.

Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" columnist for Advertising Age. You can follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.

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