One of the final acts of departing Men's Fitness Editor Neil Boulton: signing off on the June issue's cover, which features tennis player Andy Roddick with comically huge, Popeye-worthy arms, reportedly the result of Photoshopping. ("Little did I know I have 22-inch guns," Roddick wrote on his blog when the issue hit newsstands.) What excuse did Boulton have for the blatant image tampering?
A. "Andy's spindly little girly-man arms disgusted me. We did him a favor. What an ingrate."
B. "I was sick and tired of getting out-gayed at the newsstand by Men's Health."
C. "If we hadn't pumped up Andy's arms, the steroidal man-tits we gave him would have looked weirdly out of proportion."
D. "I'm lonely."
Who won the riveting sixth season of "American Idol"?
A. Not that Indian kid with the crazy hairdos, I don't think.
B. Um, Carrie Clarkson?
C. Kelly Underwood?
D. Wait, now I'm thinking maybe that Indian hairdo kid did win. Oh, I don't know. Do you know?
As New York Times columnist David Leonhardt wrote last week, CNN anchor and anti-immigration activist Lou Dobbs has repeatedly broadcast reports that there's been a sudden surge in leprosy cases -- supposedly 7,000 in the past three years -- thanks to leprosy-carrying immigrants sneaking into our country. (As Leonhardt noted, "Official leprosy statistics do show about 7,000 diagnosed cases -- but that's over the last 30 years, not the last three.") What other Dobbs assertions have proved either grossly exaggerated or flat-out wrong?
A. Geraldo Rivera went to CNN and offered to host "Lou Dobbs Tonight" for 40% less than Dobbs.
B. Illegal immigrants Ricardo and Karmen Hiltonendez (now known as Rick and Kathy Hilton) are responsible for introducing the plague of Paris Hilton into Southern California.
C. Platform of Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico, the first Hispanic to seek the White House, includes a provision to grant a full presidential pardon to Frito Bandito; victims who suffered losses of crunchy, delicious corn chips to Mr. Bandito will no longer be able to seek reparations in U.S. courts.
D. Taco Bell Chihuahua, seen humping leg of SpongeBob SquarePants, is obviously a closet queer.
With Us Weekly Editor Janice Min's contract due to expire at the end of this month, WWD's Stephanie D. Smith reports that, according to "sources close to the company," owner Jann Wenner maybe be "trying to offer Min less than her previous contract." Why?
A. With Angelina Jolie increasingly veiny and gaunt, there's literally less of her to cover -- thus reducing the reporting and editing workload at Us Weekly.
B. With Lindsay Lohan often passed out cold (see below) or in rehab, there are fewer wacky Lohan hijinks to report.
C. Reduced annual salary simply takes into account Min's furlough, without pay, while Paris Hilton serves time in the clink.
D. Working for Jann Wenner is itself more than enough reward.
BusinessWeek has signed a deal to place laminated reprints of columns by Maria Bartiromo, Robert M. Parker, and Jack and Suzy Welch on pull-down tray tables on US Airways flights. What other such deals are said to be in the works?
A. Should US Airways planes experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks emblazoned with excerpts from Every Day with Rachael Ray to cheer up doomed passengers.
B. Celebrity tidbits from -- drumroll please! -- Star magazine to be reprinted on barf bags.
C. Nicholas D. Kristof to recite contents of his last dozen or so New York Times op-ed columns, more or less verbatim, if you happen to sit next to him in first class.
D. July US Airways magazine to reprint entire contents of June US Airways magazine (and nobody notices).
In a response to a question from The Wall Street Journal's Kara Swisher at last week's D: All Things Digital conference, News Corp. Chief Operating Officer Peter Chernin declared that, if his company succeeded in buying it, "We would never 'Page Six-ify' The Wall Street Journal." How so?
A. Unlike math-challenged "Page Six," which can actually begin on, say, page 10 or page 16, The Wall Street Journal will never start later than page 2 (after full page-one ad for new Fox News Channel show "So You Think You Can Arbitrage").
B. No blind items (about Chinese diplomats).
C. Shots of celebrity CEOs canoodling will be rendered in tasteful, stippled-ink illos.
D. A Journal journalist would never accept a $1,000 bribe from a press-starved restaurateur, as "Page Six" chief Richard Johnson reportedly did; such payments will be referred to using the more WSJ-appropriate "editorial consulting fee."
Lindsay Lohan's burgeoning career as an out-of-control celebutard is hotter than ever, thanks to recent paparazzi shots of her passed out cold in an SUV after a night of partying -- just two days after her arrest for drunken driving. What should she do next to capitalize on the momentum?
A. Get photographed shaving her head.
B. Get photographed shaving her crotch.
C. Get photographed shaving Paris Hilton's crotch (in prison).
D. Get photographed passing out cold while shaving Paris Hilton's crotch (in prison).
ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.