Tom Freston was forced to resign as CEO of Viacom supposedly because Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone was mad that Freston let News Corp. acquire MySpace. What else did that slacker Freston miss out on?
A. Snatching up "Snakes on a Plane" sequel "Snakes in the Corporate Suite."
B. Inventing the iPod.
C. Impregnating Katie Holmes.
D. Working for Rupert Murdoch instead of Sumner Redstone.
Tom Cruise recently apologized to Brooke Shields for having condemned her use of prescription drugs to treat postpartum depression. Who is due an apology next on Tom's ongoing career-rehabilitation tour?
A. Sumner Redstone, because Tom hid the octogenarian's crazy-old-man meds.
B. Drunks, because Tom promoted mood-altering party drinks in the movie "Cocktail."
C. Xenu and the Galactic Confederacy, because Tom's spent the last couple of years making Scientology look silly, if you can imagine.
D. Marv Albert, because Tom's daughter Suri ripped off Marv's hairstyle for the cover of Vanity Fair without so much as a shout-out.
If, as Ad Age's Bob Garfield wrote recently in his blog, the whole LonelyGirl video-blogger phenomenon is probably just a put-on created by some advertising agency, well, what is LonelyGirl actually promoting?
A. The upcoming LonelyGirl mechanical pony rides at Six Flags.
B. Gratuitous bandwidth use.
C. Scientology, radaronline.com and Relacor, which helps beat stress-induced belly fat by controlling cortisol production.
D. The "off" button on your computer.
For fear of running afoul of the newly tough-on-obscenity FCC, more than a dozen CBS affiliates have decided to replace or delay (to a later timeslot) the reairing of a 9/11 documentary that includes footage of firefighters swearing. What's next to appease the FCC?
A. Haunting televised images of Hurricane Katrina victims, still suffering one year later, to be replaced with footage of Nick Jr.'s Wubbzy. (He's adorable!)
B. ABC executive, upon belatedly learning that a fat lesbian has been added to the cast of "The View," to issue order that ABC logo "bug" in the lower right-hand corner of the screen be expanded dramatically in an effort to cover up Rosie O'Donnell's face, body and homosexuality.
C. First Amendment to be replaced with Sudoku puzzle.
D. "CBS Evening News" to be moved to 10 p.m. because, frankly, Katie Couric's legs are just too sexy.
Star magazine publisher American Media just dumped its latest chief financial officer, Carlos Abaunza, after only eight months on the job. Why?
A. Accounting irregularities discovered in Star's tabulation of celebrity pregnancies.
B. Because magazine-company math is really, really hard!
C. CFO position at American Media works very much like how pop band Menudo used to work, so Abaunza shouldn't feel bad. It just means he's a man now!
D. He forgot to buy MySpace.
Last month, domain-name speculator John Gotts bought Wiki.com for nearly $3 million, with the intent to offer users an easy-to-use tool set for people looking to create their own Wikis. What sort of sites can we look forward to springing from his investment?
A. WikiBubble: Irrationally exuberant investors worldwide collaborate on dubious Web 2.0 ideas.
B. MyWikiTube: Massive online community of underemployed people watch YouTube videos for you, then tell you what you missed.
C. WikiCelebrityPregnancy: Global community of obsessive fans collaborate on imaginary celebrity pregnancies for Star to cover.
Newsweek Editor Mark Whitaker stepped down last week to become VP and "editor in chief of new ventures" at Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive, a division of the Washington Post Co. What do his plans include?
A. Changing name to hipper sounding Mark.Whitaker.
B. Um, interacting?
C. Spearheading creation of D.C.-based preemptive recycling facility that burns virgin newsprint and glossy paper to power washpost.com server farm.
D. "Friending" LonelyGirl.
Advertisers have dropped out of the coming season of "Survivor," which many observers have condemned for a setup that pits racially divided tribes against each other. In light of the outcry, what future "Survivor" ideas is creator Mark Burnett rethinking?
A. "Survivor: Iraq," with its Sunni vs. Shiite tribes.
B. "Survivor: Hollywood," with Tom Cruise vs. everyone else.
C. "Survivor: Reality," with Donald Rumsfeld vs. his generals.
D. "Survivor: Mark Burnett," with Burnett pitted against common sense.
More bad news for Viacom: The MTV Video Music Awards audience plummeted more than a quarter -- from last year's 8 million to this year's 5.8 million. Why?
A. Because of widespread skepticism that opening act Justin Timberlake would be able to bring "sexy back."
B. Because the VMAs, always on the cutting edge, have become a new breed of "appointment viewing" -- in which viewers make appointment to skip VMAs, then check YouTube the next morning to watch four minutes of VMA highlights.
C. Because viewers were terrified at the prospect of hearing that "You're Beautiful" song by nominee James Blunt one more godforsaken time.
D. Because Tom Freston never got around to buying MySpace.
ANSWER KEY: A -- unless it's B, C or D.
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