Wondering What's Next? Media Guy Sees the Future

Hint: Rupert Murdoch Admits He's Mr. Burns

By Published on .

Now that we've hit the halfway point, the state of the 2006 media world is starting to come into focus -- but a lot remains uncertain. Fortunately, many of Media Guy's industry sources are visionaries and savants. After making a few phone calls, he's now able to deliver this exclusive report on what's going to happen next in the media world.

NEWS ITEM: TV Guide parent Gemstar purchases JumpTheShark.com.
NEXT UP: TV Guide parent Gemstar buys MagazineDeathPool.com.

NEWS ITEM: Martha Stewart signs a deal with Kodak.
NEXT UP: Singing-talent-show judge Simon Cowell, who had a brilliant idea for a new show called "America's Got Talent" -- in which the early favorites are singers -- signs a deal with Xerox.

NEWS ITEM: Media columnist Jon Friedman slams Jim Cramer, saying the CNBC "Mad Money" host went "too far" when he pulled out a box of Uncle Ben's rice to mock Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.
NEXT UP: Friedman suffers an aneurysm when Cramer eats a Little Debbie Snack Cake during a skit mocking House Committee on Financial Services member Deborah Pryce -- then demands that Cramer commit ritualized snack hara-kiri by biting into a Slim Jim.

NEWS ITEM: New Spin editor in chief Andy Pemberton is ousted after just a couple issues, and Village Voice editor in chief Eric Wemple quits before even starting.
NEXT UP: Editor in chief Maer Roshan cancels upcoming relaunch of Radar ... then immediately announces plans to relaunch Radar.

NEWS ITEM: Rupert Murdoch's newspapers Sun and News of the World apologize to English soccer star Ashley Cole and an English DJ after running blind items about a "homosexual orgy" that bloggers later conclude were meant to be about Cole and the DJ.
NEXT UP: Rupert Murdoch apologizes to himself after admitting that the evil Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons" is loosely based on him.

NEWS ITEM: President Bush calls The New York Times' reporting on government monitoring of the financial transactions of terrorists "disgraceful." The Wall Street Journal, though, gets away with publishing basically the same news.
NEXT UP: Bush declares that it would also be disgraceful for the Times to report on the invasion of [country name redacted], which will commence [date redacted], declaring that, "It's nobody's business that we're invading Canada -- whoops, wait, I take that back. Do-over: We're doing some stuff in a foreign place to fight evil people, and that's all I can tell you -- but keep checking The Wall Street Journal or maybe Fox News to find out if and when I decide it's OK for you to know what your elected officials are doing with your tax dollars. And if I hear anyone complaining about this -- in public, or in private domestic phone calls or e-mails that we're now intercepting without warrants -- you're all grounded, and I'm taking away the rest of the Bill of Rights. Except for the guns one. That one Dick really likes, heh, heh, heh."

NEWS ITEM: Barbara Walters signs an exclusive deal with Sirius Satellite Radio to air reruns of "classic" Barbara Walters interviews.
NEXT UP: Star Jones signs an exclusive deal with herself to show "classic" outtakes from her wedding video at the Tupperware party she's throwing to attempt to recoup some of her lost income from "The View."

NEWS ITEM: After Media Guy slams NBC in early June for demanding that YouTube pull clips of NBC shows from its site, thus completely misunderstanding the promotional value of viral video, NBC announces that it will promote its fall lineup on YouTube.
NEXT UP: As a joke, Media Guy slams NBC for canceling "Joey." After "Joey" is added back to the NBC schedule, Media Guy suggests NBC change its signature peacock logo to a frosted doughnut with sprinkles. After NBC changes its signature peacock logo to a frosted donut with sprinkles, Media Guy suggests that NBC give Donald Trump's hair its own sitcom. After "The Hair" replaces "My Name is Earl" and becomes a monster hit, Media Guy kills himself.

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