What the Hell is Going on Here?

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The prize: A weekend in Mexico with Sparky, former Van Halen guitar tech. The ad: This lemon of a lime for Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo tequila. The verdict: The reason Sammy can't drive 55 is because he can't drive at all. The guy is so bazoomy, he can't fit behind the steering wheel.

Coming from Sammy Hagar, one has to ask: Is it lime? Or is it Mammarex?

John Wagner -- [email protected]

Can he actually shatter a glass in his cleavage? At first we were inclined to disbelieve this Sammy-has-big-ones business, not having seen him in ages, but this theme turned into a veritable Juggsernaut, so it must be true.

Come on everybody and Cabo Wabo Mambo! And a 1-2-3-4: "Oh, ya put the lime between the coconuts and drink it all up, ya put the lime between . . ."

John Patterson -- [email protected]

We got a ton of these Harry Nilsson memorial entries too -- this one at least has a bouncy intro. But do we really have to dis Sammy with someone else's hit, people? That's not nice.

Seems to me this is Sammy's best and last shot at making some money. I would have drowned my sorrows in a tequila bottle too after being fired by the brothers Van Halen. We all know there is no shot in hell that he will ever sell a record again.

Bradford Shellhammer -- [email protected]

This is popular motif #3. Eddie and Alex did a milk mustache ad; Sammy's on milk cartons under the headline, "Have you seen me?"

What's next? Keith Richards' Jumpin' Jack Flash marijuana? I can see the ad now: A bong is scrunched between two sagging man-breasts with the headline, "It's only THC, but I like it."

John Gerboth -- [email protected]

It gets worse. That fridge-sized harmonica wheezer from Blues Traveler is coming out with a "macrowavable" product called John Poppercorn. Just body heat and serve! We can see the ad, and we don't wanna.

This ad is more intellectual than most, so some may have missed the anagram. The letters in "Take your best shot" can be rearranged to form "Key out hot breasts." One should expect nothing less than this level of creative wordplay from Sammy.

Kyle Curtis -- [email protected]

That, dear Kyle, is a piece of anagrammatic genius. We couldn't help noticing, by the way, that your name can be rearranged to form "Kyle is curt." Pretty good, huh?

Sammy must have consulted Barbara Walters when he came up with the name of the product.

Charley Brough -- [email protected]

That's a good guess, Charley, but he hasn't even got the bucks to consult Elmer Fudd at Blockbuster. The tequila is named after Cabo San Lucas, a little town in the Baja where Sammy is allowed to sleep on the beach -- provided he wears a baggy shirt.

Well, this obviously Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love. More like, Runnin' With the Devil. Makes me want to open the window and Jump.

Chris Poisson -- [email protected]

Chris, we did a triple band name response in the last contest, and it cost us our men's room key. Now you have the nerve to come back with a triple song title entry. Hand it over, dude. Soon you're gonna wanna open the window and dump.

Is this tequila recommended by Russians? (Note: Here in Peru, rubbing your [censored] against the [censored] of a dear lady is called a Russian.)

Alejandro Elias -- [email protected]

Greetings from America, Alejandro, and thanks for the international sex tip! This tequila is indeed recommended by Boris Yeltsin, but in a pinch he's been known to enjoy an Aqua Velva on the rocks.

Tequila-drinking SWF w/lime wedged between implants seeks SWM w/banana hanging between his steroid-enhanced thighs.

John Kreinbihl -- [email protected]

Peeled or unpeeled?

Hey, that photo was meant to record a deeply private and personal artistic moment between Mr. Hagar and myself and was not in any way intended for public display. Frankly, I'm sad and disappointed to see our 17 tender minutes in his Winnebago cheapened in this way.

Jane Murray -- [email protected]

Jane, please. He's known as Hagar the Horrible. If you'd said two tender minutes in his lean-to made from sticks and a torn poncho, we might have believed you.

You have to be inebriated to drink a concoction that was created by Sammy Hagar. It probably has roofies in it.

Julia Laricheva -- [email protected]

Not likely from a man who can't even put a roofy over his own head. By the way, pretty racy foreign screen name, Julia. Have you ever had a [censored] rubbed against your [censored]? In Peru they call this a Russian. Just a little interesting tidbit we picked up on our globe-hopping sexcapades.

I know exactly what's going on here. When I was in college (and in all likelihood under the influence of too much tequila), I let some guy "take his best shot," and ended up with an STD in my eye.

Carol Muth -- [email protected]

And now you're a winner, Carol, so it was all worth it. Better yet, that trip to Mexico is really yours. They don't let homeless people south of the border -- unless they're former rock raspers. Sparky, meet Winky!

This Month's Contest

Yet another Web music peddler, this one called Harmony House. Headline: "Wishes he was a seamstress." Tag: "Find the music that's you." Oh, OK. No problem. Now will someone please explain what happened to this poor bastard and what the hell kind of music he's supposed to be looking for? Sew your wild notes at [email protected] Contest not open to old hippies who wear "threads"!

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